Dear Diary
by Alexzandra Breeze
Summary: About writing a diary because the mess in your head has just grown out of proportions. ReixKai Finished
1. Confusion vs Selfpity

A/N: As the title says this will consist of diary entries. I don't know exactly how many chapters there will be, but definitely more than just this one, I'm sure it'll be much more interesting when I throw other people's point of view in it as well And while I'm at it, the rating will most likely go up when we get a bit further into things, just so you know. I won't reveal who's writing it, but it should be pretty obvious. If not, there's a name at the bottom

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – Confusion vs. Self-pity**

–

Dear Diary,

–

No wait, I did _not_ just write that. God, I'm really turning into a girl; blame Mariah. I'll just start again.Hey yo, what's up?

–

No, that's not good either, makes me sound so cheerful and happy, which I'm really not. Not at all and definitely not all the time. Guess I'll have to try again.

–

Hmm, this is hard. Can't think of anything good to write. … Oh well, I'll just go with what I've got and then explain later. As you can tell, Diary (See, I'm really going nuts here, I'm referring to you as a real person) things aren't exactly working out for me. I can't even seem to get this writing thing right. I mean, I can write, writing is not, and should not be a problem, which it isn't, it's just …

You see how much sense I'm making here? Absolutely none. And it's not even Mariah I'm going to bitch over. Yeah, she's doing my nerves, as usual, and I'd love to kill her slowly and painfully, but she's not the main cause of my, well, whatever it is. I think I'm just down, blue, depressed, you get it, but the thing is I know I shouldn't be. There's nothing to be all worked up over, and I even went as far as yelling at Mr. D on the phone. And before you say it; no, I'm not exactly proud of that, so I don't want your opinion, thanks! And now I'm totally off track. Maybe it would be better if I just started from the beginning.

Hey Kon, that's the one good idea you've had today.

–

So, the beginning. Well, it started exactly two weeks and a day ago. I was a different person, my life was great and I didn't have a worry in the world. … Well, maybe I had, but compared to now I won't even mention it. I don't really know if I'm glad about it or if I should hate someone for it. It was nice and good and all that, but it was also great before, just different. It wasn't like it is now, but I still loved it, and now, after, I love it even more, but I don't know how things are going to be or what I'm supposed to do.

Confused?

Me too. I'm really good at making absolutely no sense. That's me for you. See yourself warned. And to make it even better, I'm starting to sound just like Mariah when she's complaining about me not caring about her, and …

Sorry, off track again. Back to the story.

Monday night, Kai's room.

He was doing something on his laptop, updating Dranzer maybe, probably, I think, and I was lying on his bed, bored out of this world and watching him. Don't get me wrong, I don't think Kai's boring, _I_ was just bored and I happened to be in the same place as him, that's all. Cause you see, I love Kai. Kai is my brother in all matters and he's always there for me in his own roundabout, backwards sort of way. If I had to pick out one of the guys as my favorite, as cheesy as it is, it'd be him. That's the way I love him, and the idea of loving him in other ways, like, well, a, you know… lover never came to my mind.

Before that night, that is.

What happened was that he got up, closed his laptop, and tumbled down next to me. We started talking, at least I did, and things were great, we had a good time in this special way we always do. As I said, he is my favorite of our little group.

Somewhere along the conversation, though, something happened. He suddenly fell silent, more so than normally, and then he turned his bright, glowing eyes in my direction. I would usually never, never describe his eyes, or anyone else's for that matter, like that, but that's exactly how they were, crimson red and on fire. It seemed he saw everything inside of me, and it didn't exactly feel bad.

He didn't break the spell he'd created, not even when he asked me about my feelings and this so-called girlfriend of mine, Mariah, something I always try not to talk too much about. But I was spellbound and I had to tell him the truth, he demanded it, so I just shook my head, no; I didn't feel anything for her, nothing beside what one would feel for one's mostly annoying younger sister. And I sure didn't feel anything else about her, not with him looking at me like that.

He smiled at that, pulling me deeper into his spell.

I know that smile. It's a smile the public never sees. It's wicked and strange, and not at all Kai, but still so much Kai that I wouldn't be able to describe him properly without mentioning it. I can't really explain it, though, but I know what it means. It means that maybe he's kidding and playing you for a fool, or he's deadly serious, but you won't know until it's too late to pull away.

I can never tell.

His smile grew wider as he said that he was glad, and that he had always known he was the only one for me.

I tensed up, fearing what was to come, but he started laughing, a real laugh, and he laughed all the tension away. I was relieved. I knew he had only been kidding. Or at least, I thought I knew.

We were normal for at couple of minutes, and then he got all strange again, suggesting a bet. If he could kiss me, without me trying to prevent it, I'd win a massage. It sounds stupid, yeah, I know, but with those hands of his, I'm telling you, he gives the best massages ever, so I didn't even think twice before agreeing.

No wait, I'm not telling you the truth here. I did think twice, just not about the massage, more about the shocking fact that he wanted to kiss me. Kai wanted to kiss _ME_?!?!?! But I am who I am and I'm cool, so I said, yeah, sure, and pretended it was nothing even though the room was spinning, my blood was racing, and my head was suddenly very, very light.

He leaned over and kissed me.

Kai leaned over and kissed me, and not just a quick embarrassing peck on the cheek or something, but a full kiss on the lips with tongue and everything. He even moaned a bit into my mouth, which set me off gasping for air.

If the world had been spinning around before, it was nothing compared to what it was doing right then. I was dizzy and giddy and felt like I could fly. I loved it, his tongue, his lips, his face, and of course his hands. I can't even begin to describe all the wonderful things his hands did to me.

–

We made out for a while, but of course we were interrupted by Tyson who came knocking. I panicked, hurried up, lost the moment, and left as Tyson entered the room. I'm not even going to think about my pink, swollen lips, my totally messed up hair, or what in the world Tyson was even doing in Kai's room in the first place.I didn't sleep at all that night. Memories of Kai, his eyes and his hands kept haunting me until I thought I was going to go insane. I love Kai, I do, but I'm not in love with him, not yet and I might not ever be. But I could let myself fall for him, if I wanted to. Right now I don't. Right now I'm scared, because I don't know what to do or what to think; it's killing me! The whole idea of seeing Kai like this is so new; I don't know what to do with myself!

The reason I'm scared is that, despite what the public thinks, how much Kai's changed, he still does know how to take advantage of people and situations; I'd even say he's better than before because he finally knows what really triggers a human mind. And that's just it; I don't want to be a toy to him, I don't want him to break my heart, so of course, I'm careful.

As you can probably tell this whole situation bothers me to no end.

But it gets even better yet.

After our Monday night, a whole week passed by and nothing happened. For an entire week Kai ignored me. Or maybe ignoring isn't the right word, he just had as little to do with me as possible, even while training. But wait a minute, that _is_ ignoring, isn't it? Doesn't matter anyway, cause I was going crazy, yelling at everybody and bitching over every little detail, because I was confused. At night I couldn't sleep, so I tossed and turned and thought about the strangest things. What it would really be like if he cared and we were in a relationship, but also what would happen if he should turn out to hate me or despise me, I wouldn't know what to do then, frankly. And there was always this place in my head where I thought I'd lost him forever.

Yeah, I know what it sounds like, soap opera Hollywood, here I come, but that's really what it felt like, and it wasn't nice by any stretch of the word or the imagination. I'm such a sap.

–

My point here is I hadn't lost him. The week passed by slowly, but eventually Monday came by again and so did Monday night. I was still sad, but coming to terms with the fact that I probably didn't have a best friend any longer and that he definitely didn't want me as a lover either.

Then he asked me for some help with some technical details about Dranzer, as if I know _any_thing about _any_ technical details, and we ended up in his bed, again. Just like the week before.

That left me even more confused, let me just tell you that, but I thought to myself, that, well, okay, we were together, but only on Monday nights.

Cool, I could do that, and I wouldn't fall for him, I decided.

I wanted to talk to him about all of this, so I waited for Monday night to come by again so I could do just that. Trouble is, Monday night was two nights ago. It's Wednesday today, and he hasn't turned in my direction even once since last week.

I'm confused again. I don't know what to do. I just thought I knew what was going on, but now it seems I didn't really at all. To make it even worse, I can't even hate him for it. I thought I could decide whether or not I wanted to fall for him, but turns out, I can't. What a fool I was for even believing that I could in the first place. I don't feel like admitting this, but I'm falling, and I'm falling really, really hard, it's too _late_ to stop now.

And what is this all for? I don't know, and I'm not even sure Kai does either.Yours trulyRei Kon


	2. A Kicked Puppy

A/N: Firstly thanks to those who reviewed the first part and also to those who just read it. This next entry isn't from Rei's diary, but I really can't imagine it being a problem to figure out whose diary it's from in stead. And then a little warning. There will be some mentioning of KaixTyson in this part, and while I do not like it, it's very essential for the plot, and I simply had to write it that way. I can assure everybody, though, that Tyson won't be involved particularly later on; this is, will be, all about ReixKai

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

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**Dear Diary – A Kicked Puppy**

–

Dear Diary,

Who thought that I would ever get to write a diary? I definitely didn't, but yet I'm right here doing it. It just proves that nothing is ever what it seems.

Reason why I'm doing this is that Mr. Dickinson told me to; he thought it'd be good for me, as I'm apparently not exactly the Kai I used to be or the Kai he used to know.

It's very strange. He never ceases to amaze me with how much he knows about me and how well he actually does seem to know me. I'm not sure I fully know how he does it, but in the letter that followed the diary he wrote that he thought it would do me good to find out what exactly is going on inside my head, and hopefully I'd also find out what to do about the problems I have caused.

I have absolutely no idea what he's referring by saying something like that, but I guess I'll find out?

But because I do respect him as a person and also the authority that he has proven to be, I'll do as he told me to. If anyone should ever ask me what I'm doing writing a diary, though I highly doubt that anyone would ever be able to bring up the courage to actually do so, I'll tell them to mind their own business and then maybe that Mr. Dickinson needed me to do it. It wouldn't make sense if I did this just for the sake of it when I have so much else to do with my precious time.

It's not exactly a lie, and even if it was, why would I care?

Secretly and only to myself, however, I must admit that there is a little more to it than just that. The main reason behind all of this is somewhat different.

The main reason is that Mr. Dickinson is probably right.

It seems he knows me better than anyone else, which is truly sad considering who this man actually is, and that he has some sort of instinct telling him when something isn't alright with me. It annoys me beyond words. Why did the one and only Mr. Dickinson have to develop parental instincts for me? It's stupid and pointless, but obviously I can't help it.

Mr. Dickinson isn't my real problem, though, and even if I would love to, really I absolutely would… Not, filling this diary up with things about him isn't going to sort out the mess inside my head.

And what a mess!

I really hope nobody is ever going to read this, because they will truly think I have lost my mind. Not just for doing as I did, but also for not feeling bad about it. Maybe, just maybe I really am going back to the person I was once, and maybe I like it that way too. Maybe I've realized that life was so much easier back then when I didn't absolutely have to care about everyone around me, not hurt their feelings, make sure to smile and look supportive at the right times and so on.

Cause that is really the strangest thing. For a while there I think I might have given it a decent try. And I think I might even have succeeded…

Bizarre.

But so what if I've stopped caring? So what if I'm once again turning into a heartless monster? Let's face reality for a minute here. I'm in a business that will eventually turn everybody into some sort of freak, as power and the prospect of power will override any and every human value; it's a fact! Take a look at everybody who's gotten somewhere with their blading. They've turned ignorant, arrogant and extremely in love with themselves. May I just say Majestics, All Stars, and even the White Tigers? They've always had bad attitudes, but they're just plain horrid now. And it didn't happen over night, I know that; it happened slowly, yes, but they _have_ changed. Why shouldn't I have the right as well?

That thought is probably what scares me the most. That I compare myself with them and realize that my behavior isn't unique, that other people can turn that way too. People I never imagined would.

Even more disturbing is the fact that I am now in a position where I can tell how disastrous this could be. I know because I've been at the other end of the line as well, I've seen the situation from a human point of view. I don't think I do anymore, and if that's true, then what is left of me that really is me?

And while this does worry me to a great extent, there's another side of me that just doesn't give a damn. That side tends to be superior.

I'm told I'm supposed to have an easy life doing what I love. Ha, I can only laugh at that!

–

So I have all these issues, and I have to deal with them. Question is how.

I know how the other guys do it. Tyson's developed this almost callous side to his personality that at times makes him use people in every which way he wants. Of course he just leaves them where they fall; it's so obvious that he doesn't care. After seeing this happen, I promised myself never to become like that, and I still like to tell myself that it hasn't come that far, though the wicked side of _my_ personality finds itself strangely drawn to this change in his nature.

Kenny just loses himself in blading and figuring out strategies with Dizzi. His whole life is eat, sleep, work, nothing more, nothing less.

With Max it's a little more difficult. What does actually keep him going? It took me a while to figure that one out, but I ended up with an answer. His way of coping is always being the funny one, always being the silly one, the one nobody really counts on as a serious person. It takes a lot of the pressure off him and he's probably the one of us who's still mostly normal behind the façade.

Now there's only Rei left to tell you about, and frankly I don't know what to say. Rei is one of my first real friends, my best friend, Mariah's boyfriend and so on. All the words ending with "friend" that's Rei. Earlier we always did everything together, so what made us strong and kept us strong was the fact that we knew we had each other. Can I just say pink candy floss?

I was fine with that; it was really good because I liked him.

I'm still fine and everything, but I'm also growing a bit tired of him. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, but I'm getting so fed up with having a lovesick puppy, that looks like I just kicked it, walking with me everywhere I go.

Do you see what I mean by me not being entirely me?When we started out as a team and for the first while, I wouldn't have had a problem saying something like that, but it didn't take me long to grow used to them, and Rei especially, and before I knew of it I didn't think along those lines anymore. I actually liked them.

Now I just don't care.

The only thing I really care about is how to make him cut his _"I'm hurt because I want you, but you don't want me"_ attitude out. I can't take it any more, it's driving me crazy.

Okay, so we made out twice, and I'll admit it, it was good, but it wasn't all that, and I did absolutely _not_ give him any reason to believe that we had a thing going on. We didn't make any promises, none whatsoever, we just agreed on not telling anybody. I have the same arrangement with Tyson and that works out just fine. At least _he_ seems to understand what it's all about. No relationship, no strings, no nothing, apart from a little fooling around when we feel like it.

–

Actually, come to think of it, it was Tyson's idea to see if I could have Rei. We didn't mean any harm, it was just for the fun of it, or maybe his malicious side had something to say, but I really wouldn't know. He thought everything up, though, down to the smallest detail, and all I did was follow the plan.Monday night, Rei was hanging in my room. I could tell he was bored, so I thought it would be a good time to try out the plan. I went to him and we started talking. I know how I can affect people with my eyes, but luckily not even Rei has found out about that yet, so I turned the wicked look on and stared at him, piercing through him. He fell quiet, obviously confused and taken aback, which gave me quite a kick, so I asked him about Mariah, just to tease him a bit. He answered honestly, that she didn't mean anything to him, she was like his little sister, and then I made my move. I suggested a bet.

If I could kiss him without him turning me down he'd win a massage.

I know my eyes are amazing, but so are my hands and I knew it was an offer he wasn't going to thank no to.

And of course he didn't.

I remember smirking inwardly at his gullibility as I kissed him with everything in me and shocked him to the point of no return. He adjusted fast, though, and we started making out. I am really good with my hands.Tyson came a little later and interrupted us. Rei left immediately, and Tyson and I had a good laugh over him when I told him the story.

He's nice and warm to sleep next to, just for the record.

Next day I acted like nothing had happened and I thought I was still Rei's friend. Apparently I wasn't. He wanted to be near me all the time, and I soon realized that being with him had been a bad idea. But not even then did I feel like I had done anything wrong. Cause I hadn't, not really.So I spent the week ignoring him to get my point across.

Please, I don't need a boyfriend, and I do sure as Hell not need Rei as my boyfriend.

–

When the week had passed he seemed to have accepted that it had only been that one night. That made me feel sort of sorry for him, and Tyson hadn't been around for a while, so the next night, which happened to be a Monday night again like last time, I asked him for some help with some technical details on upgrading Dranzer. Lame request, I know, but I had to make sure he knew what I was at, and he did, cause it happened again.–

Another week passed by, and two nights ago, Monday night, I knew he was expecting something again. I really didn't feel like it, though, and I really didn't care either, so I didn't bother doing anything at all. I could also tell that it hurt him a lot, but that's not really my problem.

I think this is what Mr. Dickinson is so worried about. My lack of, I don't know, respect maybe for other people and their feelings. There isn't any excuse for my behavior, but then again, I'm not really sorry, so I don't really need an excuse.

However, I do fully understand why he's worried, secretly I am too. What will I turn into later if this is how I feel at the age of 17? And what about Rei? I still want him to be my friend, I love him like that, and _only_ like that, I'm not even all that gay, if I have to tell you the truth.

So as you can see I'm about to mess up big time here if I don't do anything, and soon. It's just that I'm not up for doing anything. Mr. Dickinson was wise to send me this diary, but I don't think that even his wisdom can help me out of this one. I'm not human anymore and that's the whole problem. I used to have Rei to lean on and rely on, teaching me the whole human thing, but I somehow don't think that's how it is now. Go ahead and blame me, it's not like I give a damn anyway.

I guess I'll just have to take care of things myself, as usual, and hope for the best. Is there really anything else I can do?

Yours sincerelyKai Hiwatari


	3. Kai Who?

A/N: Again thanks to those who read and reviewed this, it means the world! I would especially like to thank **Bonnie/max/rei** for giving me the perfect idea for how to end this once I get that far. That way my baby, _Pretty Crimson Eyes_, can stay happy as my own suggestion for an alternative ending was to kill them all (Mwahahahaha) and she didn't exactly like that… There's a little bad language in this and it's not pretty, but I have a feeling it's something most people can handle anyway. Oh and yeah. Mention of KaixTyson, but also TysonxHillary.

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

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**Dear Diary – Kai Who?**

–

Dear Diary,

Today I've made two great and important decisions!

Firstly, I'm fine with just writing Dear Diary. I've tried, but I can't think of anything else to write that I like better so it'll have to do, even though I'm still not too fond of the way it makes me sound…

That was the less great and important decision. The really great and important one is that I'm completely, entirely, and totally over Kai Hiwatari!

I am _not _in love with that creep of a perverted control freak with no heart or conscience whatsoever. Not anymore!

If he doesn't want me? Fine, I don't want him either, bite me, I couldn't care less. And if he does want me? Well, _I_ still don't want _him_! Bite me even more, I _really_ couldn't care less!

How could I want someone that makes me wanna puke? I'm just asking.

So. The end. Period! Easy as pie. Kai who?

–

Right.

Okay, Rei, easy there, deep breaths.

And you know, sorry, my little rage attack is over. You can come back out now, no need to hide anymore.

But really, being all sober and serious, I'm over him. I am!

Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I'm not _really_ over him, though, I can admit that here, right? And I'm not really that sick of him either, and I know for sure that if he made me an offer I'd take it straight away. Stupid, yeah I know, you're telling me, but I guess that's what being in love does to you.

Gah, maybe I am gonna be sick, I'm making myself nauseous over here. Because, and isn't it almost law of nature by now? He'd hurt me again. I'm positive. But I'd still do it and hope and pray he wouldn't. I just want him to be in love with me the same way I'm in love with him, is that too much to ask?

No, don't even answer that one. I know it is since he obviously isn't feeling the same way I am, but what am I doing wrong? I really can't think of anything and I've tried everything to please him or at least just get in contact with him so that he'd notice me.

I've played hard to get, he didn't even react on it, I doubt if he even noticed it. I've been loving, which just made him look at me as if I was his annoying little brother interfering with his quality time with his boyfriend, and that's just sad and not at all what I aimed for. I've been his friend, which was just plain weird as it's pretty obvious that we're not even really on speaking terms right now. I've tried to make him jealous, which earned me an encouraging smile and wink spelling out in letters ten feet high to finally go and get laid. And by someone else, preferably. I've tried all the things I could think of, but they never worked, he always turned to Tyson instead. And may I just say for everything?

Man!

When did my life get this messy?

And that's another problem I have. Not the mess in my life, mind you. Well, that too actually, but… Yeah. What I really wanted to say is Tyson. One of my best friends if you ask the public and the press. Now, if you ask me I would just say my so-called-blading best friend.

–

Hey, go me, I invented a new word. So-called-blading best friend. Interesting… Or really not.

Anyway.

He's only so-called, because how can he be my best friend when he's doing whatever it is he's doing with my real best friend and the one I want to be with? Let me tell you. He can't, I already figured that one out.

Well then, how do I know they've got something going on?

Easy. I saw them.

That really cut me into pieces. They were lying there on Kai's bed kissing, cuddling, talking and laughing, all the things _I_ want to do with Kai. And see, even Kai would change his behavior for someone he really cares about, Tyson, whereas he's still his usual uncaring self around me. It's not fair, and right at that moment they seemed so perfect for each other that I just felt like dying. It was so obvious that Kai had everything he could ever want in Tyson. Which leaves very little room for lil' ol' me.

But maybe my luck is returning, because at least that problem seems to have solved itself.

I stayed there by the door. I could only see very little through it, but it didn't matter, my mind already had all the pictures that I didn't want to see ready to flash for me. I didn't want to stay, believe me, I didn't. The two of them together was probably the very last thing I ever wanted to see or hear, but I was frozen to the spot, cause the thought of them as a couple never occurred to me.

Now I'm glad I stayed, cause the next words Tyson said really made my day. It was something along the lines of: "Kai, this is nice, and I really like you, but you hopefully know that this is the last time it's ever going to happen."

That wasn't exactly what he said, but it's not all that important. My point here is that he was trying to do something that probably wouldn't be too healthy for their future together. I was confused of course and paid even more attention to his next words: "I'm not the type to cheat on the people I'm with, and now that I have Hillary she's all I need."

–

I don't know what happened after that. Honestly I don't, I just blacked out I guess.

–

Half an hour later I found myself in my room silly with happiness. Tyson had someone else, which meant he didn't need Kai, which again meant Kai might see me…

Oh, and yes, you heard that right, Tyson is taken, but is anyone really surprised?

No, I didn't think so either.

–

So, yesterday when we all met up at the dojo to train he brought that girl of his, Hillary. I liked seeing them together, cause they both looked happy in a very real way and they were so great for each other. Somehow that also made me happy. Maybe it was because Tyson really showed me that he didn't need Kai at all, I don't know. They were so relaxed with each other and she was really nice, so I tried my best to make a good impression and make her like me. After all she is the one I can thank for my opening, and luckily she seemed to like me too. Now I just have to be careful that she doesn't start to crush on me…

No, just kidding, she wouldn't, I can tell by the way she looks at Tyson and he looks at her. Those two people were made for each other, trust me.

Kai noticed that little fact too. I watched him while he was watching them, which he did all the time. He'd never admit that Tyson and this change in his love life hurt him, but I know it did. I wanted to go and comfort him, tell him that we would be just as perfect together as Tyson and Hillary are. If he would just open his pretty eyes and see how much he means to me.

–

You know the second decision I told you about earlier, the one about being over him? Well, forget that. I can't even keep my mind focused on being over him for as long as it takes me to write in my diary. Is that pathetic? I think it is. I hate that he makes me feel like this! For God's sake, I'm seventeen, not _eleven_. And I'm acting like such a girl again. I should be able to handle this, I should be able to make him mine. But I'm not.

It's cruel. I'm loved all over the world. Girls faint when they see me, I get more offers than I could ever have the time to take, even guys like me. I'm successful, I'm good-looking, I'm good company, I can be cute, I can be a bad-ass, I can be tough, whatever he'd want, but none of it seems to interest him.

I've pondered the idea that maybe he's just playing hard to get just like I was, but I don't think that's the case. If it was he'd respond to me at least once in a while, wouldn't he?

And to top it all off I lost his friendship too. Why is it that making out always ruins great friendships?

"Hey, pick me, pick me, I know the answer." Drum rolls It doesn't. Ours was just ruined because stupid Rei, that's me, had to fall head over heels in love with his best friend, that's Kai, who he happened to be making out with. Note this: Don't ever, _ever_ fall in love with your best friend. It just fucks everything up, and you end up _without_ a best friend.

I could just start crying now. Everything is so wrong and I miss having things the way they were before. Kai and I were the best friends. We didn't have anything going on, we weren't clinging onto each other, but we weren't ignoring each other either. I trusted Tyson to be one of my closest and smartest friends and someone who only wanted the best for me. I believed Mariah was the one I was going to spend my entire life with, and I was pleased with that too. I loved her, believe me, I did. Yes, we had our ups and downs, but that's life for you. There were times where I gladly would have killed her with my bare hands, I won't deny it, but I also have a place in my mind marked Mariah and everything in there consists of all the good memories I have of her, all the wonderful things we've done together.

But Mariah. My so-called girlfriend. Everything seems to be so-called these days. Not even she can take my mind of Kai, not even she can cheer me up and that's really bad. She always could earlier. She's noticed that something is wrong, but I haven't told her yet what it is specifically. It'll be the end of us, and I can't handle that as well right now on top of everything. I have to, though, the sooner the better. It's not fair towards her. I don't even know why I'm doubting her. Every time something was up and I told her she always reacted the best possible way. Do you think she'll do that this time, too? I hope so. I'm telling her as soon as I'm done writing this.

I have something else to tell her now that I think about it. I've been thinking a lot, as you can probably tell; it's all I do lately really.

I'm in love with Kai and Kai is a guy. I don't love Mariah anymore; I don't seem to like girls at all anymore. That means I'm gay, right?

Yeah, I thought so too. That's the other thing I have to tell her. Might as well drop the entire bomb at the same time instead of hurting her again later.

I don't want to write any more. I don't feel like it. I'm too depressed, and I'm not making any sense. For my own sake I just have to add that things are lighting up a bit. Tyson is out of the picture. It's not much, but it's all I have to hold on to right now. I'm still as much in love with Kai as I've always been, if not more, and he still doesn't like me back. We still go around ignoring each other, but Tyson is out of the picture, I have to focus on the good things! However small they may be…

Wish me luck with Mariah, will you?

Thanks. I know I'll need it. 

Yours truly

Rei Kon 


	4. I Miss You

A/N: Ah yes, here we go again. Thanks to those who read and reviewed. I just have to say that I'm imagining them a bit older in this than they really are, and also that the press is more visible and significant, meaning that they appear on TV and in papers like real celebrities do. Apart from that I also have to say that this person might seem a bit OOC, but I like to think that there's more to him than just his tough exterior.

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – I Miss You**

–

Dear Diary,

Here I am writing once again despite promising myself not to. The last time I did this it tore me up awfully and why would anyone want to put themselves through something painful? That was what I based my decision on then, but things have changed in the meantime and I just don't know anymore. I can't really help it, you see, things are developing in a way that I don't like at all, and since I don't have anybody to talk to about it I guess I'm stuck with you.

If I were overly dramatic and emotional I'd say I've lost everything, but I'm not so it's not really the right thing to say. However, the blatantly sentimental statement does hold a grain of truth as everything that ever mattered to me is gone now. I'm even afraid I'm the only one to blame for it.

On the other hand, though, I'm not really surprised, I don't want to be, I should have seen it coming. All good things come to an end and all that, but it still tears at my very being to think of all the things that used to be mine, but aren't any more. What happened to us, to me, that made it all end up like this?

Despite everything I did to keep up appearance and be the anti-social snob some accused me of being, I always thought we, as a team, were different. Stronger, better, closer, capable of taking on the world, and make a difference so it wouldn't happen. Not to us. We wouldn't break and fall apart.

It seems we did anyway.

And I'm scared, scared senseless, because when I look at everybody, they don't seem to have noticed. Not a thing. Their lives go on and they're happy, but they don't see that things aren't the way they used to be. I do, and I don't like what I see. Deep down these people do matter to me. They're my team. My friends.

I don't even remember the last time I had a normal talk with Max outside an interview. However, I do remember reading in a paper that he and his girl had broken it off. Before I read it I had no idea. That's bad. That's beyond bad, because it wasn't like that all the time. I remember doing stuff with Max, bothering Kenny, going to town, staying up all night before a tournament to win a bet and prove to the others that we could, and other normal things. If my memory serves me well, though, that's years ago and I don't know what happened to him between then and now.

Oh yes. Beyond bad.

Luckily it's only Max I've drifted so far away from. The other three are still my friends and the ones I do things with. Or so I like to tell myself.

Kenny and I have never really had much in common. He always hung on Tyson too much for my liking, but I've always admired him for his intelligence and determination, though I'm not really one for showing such feelings. Maybe I should. The kid's got a sense of humor like nothing I've ever experienced. When he and Dizzi team up against the rest of us there's no saving anything. They don't quit until we've all given up.

I wonder why we don't do that anymore? It's mainly due to that, actually, that I've ever felt welcome in the team. Both before and after Black Dranzer.

–

Okay, maybe things aren't so bad after all with Kenny and Max. At least not so bad that they can't be fixed. Getting things back the way they used to be would probably just take time and effort; I don't think we're that far away from each when it comes down to it.

What an unusually nice thought.

But all nice thoughts end here. The only ones left are Tyson and Rei and as much as I'd love to get things back with them I've practically given up hope. It's not all bad with Tyson, but Rei? I really don't know.

Tyson's the reason why today and yesterday were the worst days of my life. The reason why I messed up and lost my battles last night and that training today went so badly that everybody yelled at me, and Rei, _Rei_, laughed at me.

Go ahead and shoot me already.

I told you that Tyson and I had this thing going on. Nothing serious, just some comfort and some closeness to get rid of the empty feelings I know we all carry around with us. It's been going on for a while now and I must admit that I've grown used to having him around when I need him. I don't love him, I don't even like him all that much, I have no feelings that could indicate that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together. That was never the plan and luckily that was never the way it was. I guess I just expected him to be around till I didn't want him anymore.

I never expected that he would leave me for someone else, but that's just what he did. I can't even blame him.

Yesterday in the afternoon a couple of hours before we had to meet and prepare for our battles we were cuddling. It was all nice and well-known, but an abrupt end was put to it by Tyson saying, "I'm really going to miss this."

I didn't get it so he explained, "You know this is the last time we'll ever do anything like this, right?"

But I still didn't get it, I was so confused, what was he talking about? And where was all this coming from?  

He continued, "I like you, Kai, don't get me wrong, but I'm just not the type to cheat on the people I'm with, and now that I have Hillary…" He stopped there and looked at me, begging me to understand.

If he'd told me he wanted to quit beyblading for good it would've surprised me less.

But I did understand him. I was just thinking very slowly at the time and so it took me a while to comprehend what he'd actually said. I remembered him talking about this girl he was going to hook up with and I also remembered him talking about how he thought he was falling in love with her. But I _never_ thought that it was going to affect us. I never thought that maybe he saw more in us than I did, that he couldn't be with both of us at the same time.

Am I being self-centered?

I think I blacked out right there in front of Tyson. Well, not really blacked out, because I was able to tell him that I was fine and that I had enjoyed our time together. I even wished him all the best, which proves entirely that I wasn't really myself. I don't talk that much or in that way and under no circumstances to Tyson.

The daze I was in wasn't broken by losing three battles in a row that night. I kept seeing Tyson looking relieved beyond any belief as he left my room and we both knew he was never coming back.

What did wake me up was Rei laughing at me earlier today at training almost as if he pitied me.

I don't know, I guess I deserve _something_ for treating him the way I did, but the last thing I expected was his laughter and the obvious reasoning behind it.

Which leads us to today. And to training. Where Tyson of course had to bring her along.

She spent all day in the dojo. _All day_!

And no, it wasn't really that bad. She's a beautiful and very nice girl, a little too loud and annoying for my liking, but she's just right for Tyson. They are great for each other, so much in love you can tell just by looking at them, and I haven't seen that for a while. No, they aren't really my problem. Of course I'm… sorry that I don't have Tyson anymore, and getting his friendship back is going to take a while, but I'm sure we can make it happen in time. We were never that intimate in the first place. I'm okay with the situation, I just reacted the way I did when he told me because I wasn't prepared, that's all.

And I'm actually being honest here for once.

My real problem is that I wasn't the only one who wasn't completely disgusted by her. Nobody was, and Rei particularly wasn't.

Why this bothers me so much you'll have to ask someone else. I simply don't know the answer. If I don't care about him then there's no real reason to be bothered, but apparently somebody forgot to tell me that…

Anyway, Tyson and Rei are pretty close so I had expected Rei to already know her. He didn't. Maybe the two of them are drifting apart as well? Who knows?

Fact is that Rei did his very best to make a good impression on Hillary. He was nice, explained everything to her, joked with her, was very charming and all in all absolutely sweet. Tyson didn't mind because he had his moments with Hillary too. The three of them looked as if they'd been best friends forever.

I felt sick. Hillary and Tyson were stealing the attention of _my_ best friend.

But they were so relaxed and comfortable with each other that it didn't take Max and Kenny long before they were in as well. I don't really know what I did, I might have been a bit withdrawn, but I'm sure it must have looked perfect for someone from the outside. Annoyingly happy friends having great fun with each other while training. Oh joy. For a few seconds at a time, though, I slipped out of the sickeningly pink candy floss and saw how unreal it actually was.

That's all there is left of us now. Something fake.

Sad, isn't it?

However, the most hurtful thing about today was Rei, surprisingly enough. Right up until I started playing him, which I in retrospective really shouldn't have done, we were close friends and he was what kept me from turning into the statue of ice that is slowly becoming me now that he's not here.

He hurt me more than he knows by being so nice and friendly to Hillary. I know he didn't mean anything by it, it's just his nature, but it still hurt because he wasn't friendly to me.

Also, when he laughed at me I could have died. I was so focused on watching him, without him noticing that I wasn't able to do anything right. The others were going crazy and Tyson even yelled a bit at me, but Rei just pretended I didn't exist. He ignored me fully. Now I know exactly what it feels like.

Or actually he didn't ignore me fully. In his desperation Kenny asked him to say something to make me focus and then Rei looked me straight in the eyes and laughed at me. Then he said, "Don't worry about it, Chief, Kai'll get over it, he's probably just falling for some girl himself." He laughed again and the others laughed with him. I might have smirked as usual, but my insides went numb with pain and disbelief.

How could he even think something like that? Some girl? Hallo Rei? I'm not falling for some girl!

–

I've realized what my problem is. I miss my best friend. I miss Rei. I miss having him around, I miss his stupid jokes, I miss it when he gets mad and starts seething at me, I miss it when he falls asleep on me in front of the TV and no force in the world can wake him up so that I have to carry him upstairs to bed, I miss it when he pouts oh so innocently making me want to do anything to make him smile again, I miss… I miss Rei, that's all there is to say to it.

It's ironic really. When he wanted me I didn't want him, I didn't need him, but now that I want my friend back, _need_ my friend back, he doesn't want anything to do with me.

Welcome to my world.

Yours sincerely

Kai Hiwatari


	5. God Bless Girls

A/N: Okay, first things first, thanks to those who read and reviewed so far. I still don't know what I'm doing writing a chapter story… I have, however, the rest planned now, and let's just say it'll be a bumpy ride if I manage to follow my plan, which of course also means that there will be quite a few chapters, we're not even halfway through yet. Anyway, I had fun writing this so I hope it'll be just as enjoyable to read!

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – God Bless Girls**

–

Dear Diary,

This Hillary girl is really something else. I don't know how she does it, I'm not even sure she knows she's doing it, but she's absolutely working wonders concerning our team. It's like she's decided we need someone to look after us, which we probably do, and now she's spending all her time with us, mothering us and making us get along the way we used to ages ago. It's been a while since just being with the team was so comfortable.

But while I do have to give her some credit for retying the bonds between us I must also say that she has some _crazy_ ideas! And not just crazy, but _insane_ crazy! I mean, we're guys. There are certain things we just don't do.

Like for instance the other day when she woke us all up telling us that we were going to have a picnic in the woods. All of us, whether we wanted to or not.

Guys just don't do that. But we got up anyway and went to have her picnic.

Nobody really puts up a fight when it's her; we just do as she tells us to. Of course Tyson has to complain about everything and anything, but I guess it'd be strange if he didn't, that's just the way they work out.

And that naturally leads me to what I've been filing you up with lately, Diary. Kai.

How do _we_ work out?

Well, it's a hard question to answer, but as you can probably tell I'm nowhere near as close to drowning in my self-pity as I was last time I wrote you, so yes, something significant has happened. Something that in this sort of backwards way is closely related to Hillary. You see, were it not for her and her by now infamous picnic I would have never felt the way I do. I would have never felt as good as I do right now.

So, we went to have that picnic of hers and to everybody's amazement it went really well. Don't get me wrong, it's not like we fight all the time and can't stand to be around each other, it's more like we've had enough. We've been together as a team for so long that I think we've grown a little tired of constantly being around the same people and because of that things have been a bit strained lately or we've just tried to stay out of each other's way as much as we could.

However, Hillary seems to put a damper on that pretty unhealthy development in our internal relationships. She makes everything fresh and new, and we had great fun rediscovering exactly why it is we're such a great team and such great friends.

I know it sounds strange, to put it mildly, that we suddenly reunite after a while of trying to separate ourselves from each other, but she just makes it so easy to be part of the group that it's hard to remain uncaring and annoyed.

To think it took Tyson, the most immature and childish person I can think of, getting a girlfriend before we finally figured out that we really do need each other as friends.

Sometimes life really doesn't make any sense. But I guess it's better that way.

After we'd had our lunch and Tyson and Max had spent a good half hour chasing everybody around with these super soakers, that had magically appeared, Hillary grabbed Tyson to, well, I really wouldn't know… I mean I might know, I have a good imagination and all, but I guess it's not really any of my business, and, well, you know, forget it. I think you've got the gist of it…

Gahh, that got embarrassing really quick.

My point is: They left. Kenny did as well, some hot date with Dizzi I assume and no, I'm not gonna get into that either. What the boy does with all his spare time and that laptop of his is really not something I want to know!

Kai fell asleep and Max and I started throwing leaves at him and at each other. Very mature, I know, but it was nice, a bit nostalgic. Maybe we shouldn't always try to act all grown-up; being that relaxed was such a relief.

Max left me after a while of being buried in leaves and whatever else I could find to throw into his hair, and so there was Kai still asleep and myself very much awake.

I haven't been around him this intimately and all alone since the last time we made out a week's time ago. He looked very different there asleep on a blanket in a little spot of sunlight we'd managed to find while spring was slowly turning into summer around him. He looked like the friend I used to have back when we still shared a room and before things got all weird between us. Even if that's all I am ever to get, his friendship would be worth anything in the world to me.

He looked like a child in need of somebody to look after him, pet his hair, and stoke his cheeks when things weren't all right. Nothing like the cocky and manipulative bastard I'd been exposed to lately, but more like a person I think I could truly fall in love with and be with.

That thought really got me thinking.

There and then I was ready to forgive him for being such an idiot, but on the other hand I also realized that if I wanted him back as my friend and possibly more I'd have to work for it. I couldn't just sit and wait for him to fall madly in love with me, I already tried and it didn't work, so I knew just then that I had to do something. Something to make him see me and realize that he needs my attention, which I'm actually pretty sure he does, judging by his almost hidden looks in my direction.

And yes, I have noticed them; I'm just not exactly sure what to do about them or how to interpret them. Kai can be a hard guy to figure out, let me just tell you that.

I guess I must have been dozing after all my hard thinking (…) because I awoke to the feeling of a hand on the small of my back. I must have rolled closer to Kai in my sleep because I know I'd been watching him from across the blanket and when I woke up I was lying right next to him.

It was a wonderful feeling and all my utopian ideas of us together suddenly seemed very close to coming true. It got even better when I shifted, I'd cut of the circulation in one of my arms and it _hurt_, because he moved a bit closer and said my name.

In my head we were already picking out curtains together for our new dream house…

You see, last time I was supposed to wake him up he said Tyson's name as soon as I touched his shoulder, of course resulting in me letting him oversleep as there was no way in Hell I would be dealing with him like that.

But this time it was me.

Not Tyson.

I liked that.

Before I could think of something to do, though, the very same Tyson showed up with Max on his tails and a huge black pen in his hand.

I suppose it's needless to say that they were both wearing huge grins. Our still peacefully sleeping captain was really in for it!

I moved away from Kai, I didn't really want the two to see how close we'd been, but Tyson motioned me over to hold his hands down while Max held his head and Tyson started drawing a masterpiece.

It was terribly evil and I know I should have said something to make them stop, but the opportunity was just too good to pass up!

Oh yes, I'm a horrible person when it strikes me.

Anyway, Tyson finished doodling and we let go of Kai just as Hillary and Kenny returned.

I don't know how I expected them to react, but I must admit that I was more than a little surprised when they both doubled up with laughter making the rest of us follow suit within seconds.

That of course made Kai wake up…

And of course nobody likes to be laughed at so he demanded an explanation. Hillary just handed him her hand mirror, from a considerable distance, mind you, and we all laughed even more when Kai discovered just what had been done to his pretty face.

Again I don't know how I expected him to react and again I was surprised because instead of getting angry or cursing at us he just kept his face neutral, hmpf'ed and said that for our sake he really hoped that getting that mess off his face would be easy or else we'd all end up with pink hair when he was done with us.

Which of course caused even more laughter.

And the great Kai himself smiled a little and shook his head.

So even he has been affected by this new feeling of sticking together. It's good.

Tyson admitted that he'd been the one drawing, Hillary's really matured him, but he also _had_ to give away that Max and I had been holding him while he'd been doing so… Kai didn't seem to really mind, though, and I was pleasantly surprised when he looked first at Max and then at me and simply called us idiots.

It's the first time he's really looked at me without indifference and slowly boiling anger ever since our little get-togethers.

–

I don't know what's prompted this sudden change in him, but I'm thankful it's happened as I now have something to actually fight for instead of just wasting away in self-pity and confusion.

I mean, as different as Tyson and Hillary are they do make a great couple, but it's also easy to see that a lot of work and effort has been put into making them the way they are around each other. I'd be willing to put the same work and effort into alluring Kai and judging by the events at that picnic I'd say things aren't as hopeless as they were.

I've regained some of my confidence, my belief in who I really am and what I'm actually capable of doing. I won't let Kai put me down anymore. I'll stand up to him and hopefully win him over. I want to seduce him the same way he seduced me, except I won't throw him away like he threw me away. I'll keep him and make him realize what a terrible mistake letting go of me was. And then I'll make sure he stays.

I probably sound a bit like an obsessed psycho here… Not what I was going for, really, I just want him to want me the way I want him.

Easy.

I don't know exactly how I'll do this, but I think the smile I sent him that night right before going to bed was a good start. It was sort of, partly seductive. I hope.

He smiled back, Tyson's artistic expressions long gone from his face, and I went to bed with a good feeling.

And so, Diary, I'll be ending this on a positive note, for once, as everything is just peachy! And maybe I'm getting a little ridiculous here, but I had coffee with extra sugar so really, who can blame me?

Nobody! Yay! Go Me!

But speaking of blame I just remembered that I'm not entirely done after all. I went to see Mariah a couple of days ago to break up with her and all that, you know?

Well, she threw a fit like nothing I've ever experienced before, blamed me, blamed Kai, blamed herself and in the end she kicked me out telling me she never wanted to see me again. It wasn't pretty and I was sorry, I do like her, but when I got back home some hours later, I'd just been walking around, she called, apologized and offered that she'd cook me dinner if I came over and told her _everything_.

Now that's the Mariah I know! So of course I went and we were happy, little 13-year-old girls all night. Just like in the good old days.

I'm glad she came around. I need her as my kid sister and as my friend!

And now I think I've finally reached the final happy note to end this entry on. Mariah's happy, Kai's happy, I think, and I'm happy as well.

Yay! (Sorry, coffee…)

Yours truly

Rei Kon


	6. Power And Control

A/N: I knew I had something semi-important to say, but I can't think of it to save my life… Oh well. Thanks to those who read and reviewed, and **crazy nek0-JIN** I won't say you're entirely right, because you're not, but you aren't exactly wrong either. You'll see what I mean _{smiles}_ In a way this is the peace and quiet they get before things really, well yeah, as I said, you'll see.

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – Power And Control**

–

Dear Diary,

I have never been one for doubting myself. Never. But lately I have found myself in situation after situation where my usual standards and routines simply don't suffice, and therefore it has been completely impossible for me to know what to do and even more impossible to know if I do the right things.

I would like to curse Hillary to all Hell, but that would be letting my emotions get the best of me, and I know perfectly well that my reason would never let that happen. My reason also knows that even if I _did_ curse Hillary to all Hell it wouldn't help one bit.

But then why in the world would I even _want_ to have Hillary removed if not to Hell then at least to the nearest mental institution?

Now that is a very good question. And the answer is so simple, yet so stupid that I almost daren't say it.

I want her taken away because she suggested we all go on a picnic and everybody jumped up in joy and went.

And yes, I know, immensely stupid, childish even, and a not at all reasonable reason, but there's just something about her that pushes every single button I have. That girl will be the end of me, I just know it!

It might have something to do with the fact that she was the one to take Tyson away from me, but as I'm not really bothered by that anymore it's very unlikely. I find it much more likely that my feelings of animosity towards her have something to do with how much Rei seems to adore her. And that is absolutely not something I am a great fan of!

But aside from her theft of my precious friend I'm quite impressed with the changes she's made regarding Tyson as well as everybody else. Truthfully speaking she's managed what I doubted anyone could, bringing us all back together, and she's done it in the strangest of ways.

She's made us like her.

I know that statement doesn't go very well with what I said to begin with, but I've been a bit of a mess all day; evil towards people and the like even though it's not really what I've wanted. Hillary's a nice girl. She is. What I don't like about her is what she's doing with Rei.

Of course I have no proof of anything; it's more like a feeling that she somehow has something to do with his change in behavior. That maybe they've talked and she's told him to forget about me and go have fun and live his life without me or something similar. I don't know why she'd do that, but it's the only reason I can find for this brand new Rei that's really just the old, happy Rei. I don't know, maybe he just got over me and it has nothing to do with her, but it's just so convenient to have somebody to blame for all the things that I can't control.

And now enough of Hillary. I need to think of something else. Something nicer. Her picnic for instance.

As much as I didn't like the idea to begin with, it turned out remarkably better than I had ever dared hope. Of course there were the usual immaturities from both Tyson and Max, actually from Rei too, but it was nice to see them like that for a change. Sometimes I really have to remind myself that we're still young. I know Tyson would have a fit if he ever read this, but when I take the time out to really watch them I must admit I still consider them children to some extent. It'd be awfully wrong if they didn't behave like five-year-olds at least every now and then.

The immaturities I'm so kindly referring to consisted of Tyson and Max getting out their super soakers right after we'd eaten and, well, you've guessed it, soaking the rest of us to the bone.

A lot of running around and screaming started after that and instead of joining them in their playing around I left to have a little peace and quiet.

They may be children, but I am certainly not a child myself. Besides I was wet enough as it was, no need for more water, thank you very much!

But maybe water would've been preferable, because not even 20 feet away from the others I was knocked over by a little kid running straight into me and thereby successfully covering me in leaves and sand and whatnot. Luckily I wasn't all that wet and I got rid of most of the mess fairly easily, though I would've been just fine without the whole falling and rolling around part.

And that kid was really something else as well.

I've never really cared about little children; I scare them and make them cry, but this little boy missing all his front teeth and driving his remote-controlled car around like it didn't even matter what he'd done was the exception proving the rule. When I started in on him, icy voice and hard glare, the usual, he just interrupted me and told me to watch where I was going or else he'd have to do it again.

That totally broke my control.

I have never laughed as hard in my entire life than I did just then. That little nuisance of a boy wanting to run me over again, _threatening_ to run me over again and putting all his weight behind his words as if to prove that I had nothing on him.

He reminded me of myself at that age so I just let him be and went to find the others who I assumed had taken their battlefield and their water elsewhere.

I was surprised to find that they hadn't, as I was greeted by our blanket and bags, Hillary dragging Tyson of to do God knows what, Kenny sneaking off with Dizzi also to do God knows what, and Rei and Max throwing sticks for God knows what reason.

I just lay down, fell asleep and dreamed this dream of myself as the little boy.

Rei as a child was in my dream as well and first we were flying somewhere soft and really green, which was the greatest thing to ever happen because the world is at its best when it's green or something like that, I don't exactly remember, it didn't particularly make sense. After that I think we went over to practicing karate or something, because suddenly everything was moving and very physical; I know I ended up grabbing him and shouting something at him, his name maybe, though I don't know why.

My dream changed dramatically right there as things got even more physical and we were older, and maybe I was just having my first official wet dream about Rei there in the park at our picnic…

Luckily I was saved because we "finished" and then we were back to being kids and sitting on a bird's wing almost drowning in feathers. Rei was holding onto my wrists so I wouldn't fall off, but it was very hard to hold still as everything, especially my face, tickled and eventually I wiggled free or he let go. I'm not sure. 

Dreams usually don't mean much to me, not even the wet parts, seriously, but this one turned into not very dreamlike laughter and so I had to wake up.

And see everybody halfway dead from said laughter. Hopefully I hadn't been talking in my sleep…?

I assume I growled something and a mirror landed in my lap showing me my face covered in black ink.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect!

But I wasn't really mad; I still had that dream of Rei in my head and I'd just woken up, so I suppose I threatened them with something, making them laugh harder, and then I saw the little boy from earlier, still with his little car, and I had to smile a bit.

After a sharp look from Hillary Tyson confessed everything. That he'd been the one drawing, but that Rei and Max had been holding me so I wouldn't move and disturb Tyson in his important act of honor in order to save the world…

I was more than a little surprised to hear that Rei actually had been holding onto my wrists like in my dream.

I wonder if he did all those other things as well?

Probably not.

We're not exactly on speaking terms and yet he did touch me. I didn't think we got along after the madhouse the last weeks have been and my not so admirable behavior, but apparently things aren't as bad as I thought.

Or he _has_ been talking to someone – Hillary – and he's just plain forgotten about everything so we can go back to being friends like we were before.

I wouldn't know what to think of it, should that turn out to be the case. This confidence that's now oozing off him combining my old friend Rei to this new Rei I almost had sex with and dream about is strangely attractive, and I somehow don't think I would enjoy being around reliable and friendly Rei as much as I enjoy being around this new creature.

There was no time to think all this, however, back when I was still on that blanket with ink on my face and the three of them grinning like little troublemakers caught red-handed. I couldn't think of anything brilliantly smart to do or say, so I just went with the usual and called them idiots after looking at them individually.

Being able to look Rei in the eyes as innocently as I did then was better than beating Tyson to pulp at practice ever was! Though I do enjoy that very much as well.

I have to keep reminding myself that it could very well be an act of reviving our friendship, but it's getting harder and harder to believe that there's nothing more behind his actions than that when he keeps smiling at me in ways that aren't exactly friendship related. Like for instance at our picnic, but also later the same night after I'd spent hours and hours on end in the bathroom trying to get Tyson's mess off my face and finally succeeded. I was just gonna go to bed, it had been a day of ups and downs as you can probably tell, and I just needed to relax some and think of whatever my brain would like to occupy itself with.

I saw him in the hallway, he was just entering his own room and something in his smile gave me a feeling that he'd love to take me with him into that room, but also that he didn't think I'd be quite ready for that experience just yet.

That was surprising to say the least. But he was probably right; I don't think I would've been ready to follow him into that room, if that was even what he was initiating. I know for sure, however, that I managed to return his smile, though I'm not really one for smiling, and he definitely looked honestly happy when he closed his door.

It's needless to say that I wasn't exactly breaking into tears either. In fact I spent a good two hours thinking of this strange thing we call a friendship, from the very first days to now and how it may be changing fundamentally for the future before I finally fell asleep.

He's as innocent as a child, but at the same time he's also been growing up a lot lately; maturity-wise and intellectually he can keep up with the best, with me, and I know we'd have more to build a relationship on than I ever had with Tyson. Looking back that's probably why Tyson and I never turned into more than casualties. But Rei, that's something entirely different. Now that the kicked-puppy-look is gone, for good I hope I can't stand it, he's proving to be in possession of power and control, and if there is something I'm drawn to more than anything else it would be those two exact things. Power and control.

I'm not sure how he can pair that with his easy-going manner and, in lack of a better word, innocence, but he can and it's an intoxicating mix; that much is absolutely free of doubt. 

So maybe I've been wrong all along about Hillary. Maybe she really didn't have anything to do with him coming out and showing off his claws, though not to inflict harm, but to simply set the level and the pace. Figuratively speaking of course.

Or maybe I've just been up for far too long and so I'm starting to read more into things than there really is.

Seems time can only tell, I'll have to wait and see.

Yours sincerely

Kai Hiwatari


	7. Live And Let Rei

A/N: Thanks to those who read and reviewed, as usual, it means the world. Before we start I just have to say that there's making out and alcohol in this particular part of the diary so if that's not your thing, well, don't read it, I don't wanna hear about it afterwards either way. And with that said I think we're ready to start.

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – Live And Let Rei**

–

Dear Diary,

Last time it was coffee, this time it's alcohol making me totally unreliable and giddy.

I know, I know, I shouldn't drink, I'm a minor and all that, but we've just been to this party and apparently the word "no" doesn't exist in my vocabulary at all when people offer to buy me drinks, so there you are.

And what a party's been! I'm still partly drunk and I feel almost high from the cigarette smoke and loud music, my head's incredibly light now that I'm away from the smell and the noise and in the clean air of my own room.

May I just repeat that it's been one Hell of a party?

Cause it sure has! There were people everywhere and a huge dance floor where everybody danced like no tomorrow. Considering my alcohol consumption I should probably wish that there'd be no tomorrow, but I'm just in a way too great mood to even think let alone worry about such trivial and boring details that I know I'll have to face tomorrow one way or the other. So. No worries and cares, I'll just sit here and enjoy being tipsy and silly and tell you all about my great night out.

See, this party was some BBA big deal that everybody had to attend to and so of course we did. I've been feeling like the King of the World ever since Hillary's picnic so I suppose my behavior might have been a bit, well, slut-like, as I know I can take on anybody and get away with anything.

I mean, it's not like I've been whoring myself around, or okay, maybe I have, a little, but it's all in good fun, so I don't see why it should be a problem. No harm, no foul, you know? Besides all I did was to flirt, and quite heavily I'll admit that, with a couple of guys at the party, which really isn't something I should be shot for, is it? And just because I may have kissed a few of them, tongue and all, it doesn't make it any bigger of a deal, right?

No, well I didn't think so either. I'm young after all. It's time to live life, have fun and all that. I don't want to wake up old and worn out and then realize I missed out on all the great stuff.

So feeling up a few guys at some party isn't all that terrible. Like, in the big picture, you know? It's nothing. Peanuts.

And anyway, it's not like I'll ever actually call all the people whose phone numbers I am now the proud owner of. Getting them was fun, but it's not like I actually _want_ to see any of them again. I'll just get myself some new phone numbers next time there's an opportunity; it's much more fun that way. And uncomplicated too. What would I ever be able to do to actually explain this kind of behavior to somebody? I really don't think that would work.

Just playing the field and being sort of easy is much better then.

And it also got me Kai's immediate attention, let me just tell you that!

I haven't really known what exactly to do about all my Kai issues, but it seems alcohol just did the trick and solved _all_ my problems. Kai got immensely interested as soon as other people started hitting on me, and even though it wasn't a problem to tell that he was bothered by it, I just wanted to see how far he'd let things go before he did something to, like, be my hero and save me. That's basically why I didn't turn down the first stranger that approached me, but I guess something happened along the way, I forgot about Kai, and suddenly there were lots of strangers making sure I was having if not the time of my life then at least the party of my life.

I loved it, what can I say?

This new confidence of mine is working wonders, and it just felt so good to be able to kick back, relax, enjoy all those people jumping at my beck and call. And then in the end not committing to any single one of them.

I could've lived my entire life in those couple of hours, that's for sure!

But of course I couldn't forget about Kai entirely. Some of these strangers had wandering and very well-aimed hands and in the middle of all my enjoying myself I sort of remembered that Kai was actually the last guy to touch me like that. And no, that's not special, but then if you know that he was also the _first_ guy to ever touch me like that you'll probably see why he suddenly appeared in my mind, disturbing my otherwise mindless activities.

And the thought of him of course brought along the question of where in the world, or at the party really, the object of my desires had gone off to.

A question which really wasn't that hard to answer as I realized when I looked over the shoulder of my then dancing partner. Kai was right there looking at me. And looking not exactly happy about what he was looking at: namely me grinding against somebody else whose hair or eye color, much less name, I'd ever be able to determine, not even to save my life.

I guess it's understandable, I probably wasn't in a very flattering situation or position for that matter, and I probably would have been quite miffed myself had the tables been turned. On the other hand I _did_ see him be all lovey-dovey with Tyson, so maybe I'm merely paying him back.

Sounds good to me!

Still, however, I did feel bad for him standing there looking all lost, so I did what any good friend and wannabe boyfriend/lover whatever it is I want to be, which I haven't decided yet, by the way, would do; I went over to him to… Strike up a conversation.

That's right. I wanted to… Talk!

I have absolutely _no idea_ what we talked about. And that's strange as it's only a couple of hours ago, but talk we did and nothing else, because I _do_ remember him going somewhere and me returning to the dance floor and above mentioned dancing stranger. Who spent endless amounts of money on getting me drunk, just like all the other strangers did. Either I come off as really easy or the strangers were just unusually friendly and giving. I honestly don't know what would be worst.

Despite not remembering what Kai and I talked about I know I paid special attention to him for the rest of the time he was there. In between getting drinks, phone numbers, and whatnot I made sure to smile at him, go talk to him and other friendshippy-though-I-want-more things, so that he actually ended up on the dance floor with a total stranger of his very own.

I was so proud of him.

And I felt like punching the other's face into pieces before I banned him to Hell.

What a mix of feelings.

But before I could react on my sudden impulse to kick the man to mush I discovered that Kai didn't look like he was enjoying himself as much as he should dancing up on some hot guy, so to help my dear friend out I switched my dancing partner so that I got Kai and the strangers could go somewhere to fuck.

–

Oops. I just gave myself away. I am drunk. Still.

Fuck is a bad word.

You're such a bad boy, Rei, such a bad boy!

–

And whether or not they went to actually do that is irrelevant as I suddenly found myself with an armful of very delicious and tasty Kai.

Now that was _a lot_ better than some random stranger!

I swear he literally attacked me, which I of course didn't mind one bit. For some reason this extreme dance floor experience, he he, stands out much clearer in my mind that the last time we got together this physically, which sort of surprises me as we went at it with enough heat to provide a whole house in Siberia with electricity for a whole year! And of course also enough heat to totally burn my brain away. Which strangely didn't happen. I remember everything!

We kissed.

I have never been kissed like that before, ever! I was on fire. There were trails of flames everywhere he touched me both with his mouth and his hands and I just knew I needed more. I grabbed him by his hair and pushed him against this pole that was suddenly situated in the middle of the dance floor right where I wanted it, in turn situating Kai right where I wanted _him_.

He was completely in charge last time we did this so I expected him to at least put up a fight for dominance, but no such thing. As soon as I'd positioned him against the pole he went almost limp in my arms and simply just responded to my kisses and touches, but without fighting for control.

I liked it. Hell, I loved it! He was pliant and welcoming; taking everything I offered him and letting my hands roam him freely first on top of his clothes and a bit later underneath his shirt as well. It was pure Heaven being able to assault him with licks and strokes that made him tremble and push back against me with need and pleasure. Whenever I looked into his eyes I saw bottomless pits of desire that threatened to lash out and drown me, and I'm absolutely sure that just made me go at him faster, harder, more passionately.

All the previous strangers had only lead up to those moments of almost violent caressing. It was explosive!

–

And you do realize that I am getting turned on like I don't know what by sitting here and writing this?

But it was just _so_ good! I don't even have words to describe it. The way he looked, the way he felt, the way he seemed to constantly scream for more no matter how much I already gave him was just mind-blowing. And yes, I'll be taking those thoughts with me when I go have a shower in a couple of minutes when I'm done writing this.

What? Come on, I'm a guy! There's only so much any normal teenager with ragging hormones can take, you know!

–

I don't know how long we stayed on the dance floor pressed against that pole, but after a while a really slow song came on and the frantic bumping and grinding wound down a bit. There was panting and we were looking at each other our clothes a total mess, shirts open and halfway off, hair tousled, and pants rumpled and way too tight for it to be any kinds of comfortable.

Gods, but what a moment it was. I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn't, didn't know what, and then dizziness kicked in from the alcohol and I could barely stand, so I clung to him and started kissing him again already feeling much better and much lighter.

The kisses where somehow sweeter, but it seemed he didn't really want that so we sped things up again before he reluctantly pulled away saying something or other.

He left me there on the floor while I was laughing like an idiot. I'd just gotten him good and there he was leaving making it all the easier for me.

Absolutely fantastic!

The winner of the game is now officially Rei Kon!

The very same Rei who'll now take his mental images of Kai in the throes of passion with him in the shower and thereby get things over with so he can get to bed and finally sleep off some of the alcohol he's had.

Signing off for now, Diary dear!

Yours truly

Rei Kon


	8. Caveman Kai

A/N: Well, it seems people liked the last chapter _{smiles}_ I seriously didn't think that a party with alcohol would be a problem to anybody, but for those who feel they need a bit of explaining there are replies to reviews at the bottom of this. Other than that, if you read the last part you'll know roughly what's going on here so I won't write warnings and whatnot; I'm sure you're smart enough to figure it out on your own.

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – Caveman Kai**

–

Dear Diary,

Whoever thought up alcohol should be shot! And whoever came up with the stupid idea of throwing that BBA party should be shot as well! As should every and any guy who bought Rei drinks, danced with him, and even touched him!

True, technically I can't blame Rei's "special friends" for my hangover, but I can blame them for getting close to him so that I had to get myself drunk to begin with in order to actually be able to get closer to him.

Now, of course, I must ask myself if it was even worth it.

And despite my enormous hangover, which is quite strange considering my tolerance for alcohol, I _am_ Russian after all, I'd have to say yes.

God yes!

At five o'clock in the morning so hung-over that I can't sleep anymore and so sick that I know I'll be making friends with the toilet very soon, I'm finally ready to admit that last night was the worst and the best thing I have ever had happen to me. I have never been closer to dying than I am now, at least that's what it feels like, and yet I'm ready to do it all again, except this time I wouldn't need a pep-talk from Hillary and Tyson and I'd make sure that I got to Rei before everybody else did so he wouldn't have to go through all those people before he got to me.

Maybe I'd even make it so that he'd be sleeping with me in my room instead of down the hall, but if I recall correctly he was even more inebriated than I was, meaning he's probably sleeping with his head in the toilet instead of in his bed…

And I absolutely need to think about something that isn't toilets right away.

Just because I left the lights on in my bathroom doesn't mean I'm dying to go there, so nausea get lost!

Why we do this to ourselves is really beyond me!

–

I assume there are some things I should explain a little more carefully.

You see, I'm not exactly Mr. let's-go-have-a-party, but the BBA arranged this one so we had to go. Secretly I actually felt like going this time because things with Rei have improved ever since Hillary's magnificent picnic and I thought maybe we'd do something together.

And yes, you can safely translate the word _something_ to kissing and touching and whispering, cause that's mostly what I had in mind.

Seriously, nobody can have a civil conversation at a party with loud music and dozens of intoxicated people. Sometimes it's just better to do what has to be done and then talk about it afterwards. In any case whether it was right or wrong, that and nothing more was my brilliant plan for the party.

It backfired like I don't know what.

Usually when I think up a plan or a strategy everything goes just as I want it to and I come out as the winner, but this time I apparently hadn't taken Rei and his resent change in behavior sufficiently into account. And what do I do when I see my plan crumble before my very eyes? I think up a new one, but unfortunately when I reached that stage thinking really wasn't a strong point of mine, and so I ended up wanting to leave the party.

Had it not been for Tyson and Hillary who magically appeared from some sort of closet I probably would have run off with Dranzer and stayed out all night to prove to myself and everybody else, Rei in particular, that I really don't need anyone but myself and anything but my blade.

Luckily, I'll say that now, I did run into Tyson and Hillary first and even though I was so furious that I couldn't think straight they somehow managed to calm me down and make me talk to them a bit.

As if that would've ever happened if I'd been sober!

But that's beside the point right now.

We sat down somewhere away from the center of the party and eventually after a lot of talking back and forth they got me to tell them what was going on. Despite my anger and urge to _punch_ something talking to them wasn't as bad as I'd feared it would be. I think  it's that whole friendship-optimism-we're-a-team thing that's rubbing off on me, because I'm pretty sure it's obvious to anyone that there was nothing at all Tyson or Hillary could do about my little problem and his five thousand worshippers on the dance floor.

You do realize I'm referring to Rei, don't you?

And it's my bad, I know, I didn't even tell you what happened, I've just been talking in circles and avoiding the subject even though I really do want to figure it out.

That's really typically me.

What had me so mad that I couldn't see straight was the sight that greeted me the minute I stepped into the main room where the dance floor and the bar were located. Needless to say there were people everywhere, but one particular person caught my eye immediately.

Rei.

And he was sitting in the bar accepting drink after drink from stranger after stranger.

I'm not sure how long I stood in the doorway debating whether to be my old usual uncaring self and leave him be, or if I should just go in there, act like the jealous boyfriend, and glare at everybody till they left so that I could eventually knock Rei out with my club and drag him home by his hair.

Property of me! And you can call me a caveman and primitive, I wouldn't care!

But before I could embarrass myself and Rei along with me, the decision was taken out of my hands by yet _another_ stranger, who grabbed Rei and dragged him, or more like lifted him, to the dance floor where I lost sight of them.

I tried looking for him in the crowd, but it was virtually impossible. My anger dissolved as I made my way through the mass of bodies and at last I saw him after which he made his way over and we ended up on a couch.

–

Do please get your mind out of the gutter! We sat next to each other and talked.

–

Or Rei talked and I listened. I'm not sure if he was aware of what exactly he was saying, but I'll just tell you that my mood rose several degrees with his words. He was just doing what he had to do so that nobody would be suspicious later, because he really didn't want me to think that he'd forgotten about me, he most definitely hadn't, and if I could just wait a little while he'd be right there with me and nobody would think it strange as he'd been with a bunch of people already.

I know what it sounds like now, but I'd been drinking, now there's a surprise, and it sounded like a great plan. Surely much better than my own, so I continued drinking and pondering how I'd use my caveman instincts to get him exactly where I wanted him while he continued whatever it was he was doing on the dance floor among all those people.

At some point I got tired of waiting. And not just tired, but really tired because as I waited I was approached by several of Rei's strangers and it suddenly hit me that the sexual innuendo and their insinuating behavior wasn't directed at me only, but at everybody else as well meaning that these morons were hitting on Rei while I was just sitting there starring holes in the air.

From a logical point of view it shouldn't have taken me so long to actually figure that out, but lately I've experienced that whenever Rei enters the picture, logic goes flying out the window. That's the only way I can explain what happened next as well.

My inner caveman came back out. I'd had enough of Rei smiling and flirting with me from across the room. It was time I took matters into my own hands and showed him exactly how it was done. I grabbed the first stranger I could find and dragged him to the dance floor right next to where Rei was and started dancing.

–

I am no great and mighty dancer by any stretch of the imagination, so as soon as I'd positioned myself and my dancing partner on the floor, the caveman withdrew  and left me there to handle the rest of the situation all by myself. And wasn't that just another disaster in the making?

It turned out not to be. Surprisingly enough.

I don't know if Rei has special senses when it comes to me and uncomfortable matters, but it seems so, as he started moving around all of a sudden. I didn't know what he was trying to accomplish and before I had time to figure out what was going on I was dancing with him.

Which was exactly what I'd been waiting for. Now was the right time for my inner caveman, named Vodka I believe, to make an appearance and knock Rei off his feet and into my arms.

But apparently he'd disappeared entirely last time he went away, so there I was, as helpless as ever with Rei all over me and nothing to do about it. I mean, I wouldn't have sent him away or pushed him or anything like that, but it would've been nicer if I'd at least been able to maintain a _shadow_ of my previous self-confidence and attitude. Unfortunately no such luck.

That is not until Rei looked up at me with this certain look in his eyes that he also had the first time I kissed him.

Mr. Caveman was back in full force and Mr. Caveman takes what he wants so I bent down and kissed the wonderful lips of the creature that had been haunting me all night.

I sound biased I realize that, but there was just something in the way his hair and his eyes caught the colored light. I can't explain it, I'm sorry. I know there were people and music all around us, but I didn't sense anything other than Rei in my mouth, his tongue and his canines, and a split-second later his hands coming up to my neck and the back of my head, circling, pulling me in deeper and deeper till I lost all conscious thoughts and only felt alive where he touched me. He stole my soul without even trying by kissing me like that and when he leaned me against this pole on the dance floor I knew I'd found my place; in his arms, in his mouth and leaning against something solid so that I wouldn't fall into him and be consumed by his very being.

Letting go and letting him do anything he desired was such a relief, and reinforced that this was really where I belonged. I couldn't fight him, nothing in the world could've made me push away from him, and as it was I know my body betrayed me and told him everything he needed to know as soon as he got rid of my offending clothes and reached my skin that was trembling and compliant to his touch. Without words I told him that he was now in power, that he was now the one to be obeyed and that I would gladly be the one obeying him.

The music slowed down as did our kissing and for a long heart-shattering moment we just looked at each other. I was at a loss for words, but he saved me by embracing me and kissing me again, only differently this time. Slower and more meaningful and I simply couldn't take it. I urged him on with the sound of some singer's voice saying, "I just can't stop loving you" right into my ear, and I had to go. It was too much and it wasn't near enough. There was no way I could stay with him like that.

So I ran.

The only time I didn't face a challenge, and it was probably the most important challenge of my entire life.

I don't know.

I've been sleeping ever since. It did in fact only happen a couple of hours ago, as unbelievable as that may seem.

I still feel sick, though not so much from the alcohol anymore… I think I can go back to sleep now.

Thanks for hearing me out, Diary, I'm sure there'll be more to come, this isn't by far over yet.

Yours sincerely

Kai Hiwatari

–

**Bonnie/max/rei:**

Does Rei drink? Why, yes he does. Does Rei use cigarettes and smoke? No, I'm afraid not. Just because there's smoke in the air, and I have honestly never been to a party where there wasn't, it doesn't necessarily mean that everybody present smokes. And in my head Rei didn't smoke. I don't mean to come across rude, but in this story Rei does drink. I don't know how the alcohol policy is in Japan or elsewhere for that matter, and they _do_ say write what you know, so I did. Where I come from a 17-year-old male wouldn't make it home after a party to write in his diary. You know why not? Because he'd be passed out drunk on somebody's floor somewhere around 10 o'clock. And yes, that's generalizing, but welcome to the real world. Now, I did think it would be a bit much if he acted like most of the people I know so I wrote him the way I did, and with no intentions of offending anybody or anything like that, it's just the way things work where I am. Sorry if it bothers you, but I find it realistic considering who he is.

**crowkeeper990 **

You think it rocks? _{big smile}_ Thanks! Now, as for why I didn't put up a warning that minors shouldn't drink. Well, I don't really think it's any of my concern. Of course if underage drinking is illegal then don't do it, but when it comes down to it I shouldn't be the one telling people what to do and what not to do. It's an individual matter and I don't want to make decisions on the behalf of others. I live in a free country as I assume most people do, so what they choose to do is up to them, not me. Capesh? _{smiles, winks}_ And the same really goes for the cigarettes. If people absolutely _want_ to kill themselves who am I then in reality to stop them? But still, thanks for letting me know; I might have to put up _something_.

**keisan******

You're right. Rei's confidence _is_ getting a little overly-confident, I know exactly what you mean by saying that, but it's part of the plot so I can't really help it. He will calm down _eventually_, but it has to get worse before it can get better, right? _{smiles}_ Thanks for your review!

To anybody else, thanks for reviewing, and if there are any questions or anything feel free to leave another review or simply email me. I understand if some of what I've said above might need clarifying.


	9. Abrupt Awakening

A/N: Thanks to those who read and reviewed once again and I hope you'll like this chapter. I liked writing it and I hope you'll like reading it as well. Dare I say it? Might it really be? Is Rei finally going back to normal? _{smiles}_ Naah, not exactly… Take a look for yourself!

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – Abrupt Awakening**

–

Dear Diary,

I think I may have crossed a very important line in my relationship with Kai. This confidence and being secure in myself is all good, and at our picnic I just tried to get closer to him, whereas I was pretty drunk at our party so all in all I'd say no harm done there, but we were at this expo on BeyBlades yesterday and I don't have any explanation or excuse for my behavior then.

I'm glad we went because there were lots of new and interesting things in the BeyBlade department. It was a very educational experience for all of us and I'm sure we'll be able to improve on a lot areas when Kenny's had time to analyze the new products and their capacity. But the expo in itself wasn't really all that, at least I didn't think so as I remember being focused on something else and thinking that there were also lots of new and interesting subjects when it came down to – what was the word I used? – Oh yes, meat.

Superficial much? I couldn't agree more, but it was just so suitable and fitting for the way I've been behaving that I though nothing of it and ditched the others to go man hunting. And they were mind-blowing most of them! You have no idea what kind of bodies beybladers must have in order to be and stay the best. Wow, is all I'm saying and when you know I'm used to Kai standards I think that says a lot about with level we're talking here. It was gorgeous and very, very doable.

I'm being cocky again now. I'm sorry, apparently it's all I am lately. Kenny's words not mine, but maybe he's right just this once. Maybe I am overdoing it.

But being cocky and what Kenny might think of it was the smallest of my concerns as I was walking around and checking out what might be available. Of course we're talking people wise here; I wasn't exactly interested in BeyBlades at that time, if you know what I mean. And it's surprisingly easy too. I would've thought that picking up strangers in a fairly public place in daylight would be quite a task, but I proved myself wrong within like ten minutes.

While it does scare me a bit now I didn't really care then. I'd have something – some_one_ – to do and the others could go around and be the BeyBlade geeks they really, truly are.  Sounded like a perfectly alright arrangement to me.

I don't know what it is with me. One minute I'm picking out curtains with Kai, the next I've completely forgotten about his entire existence. And now that I think about it, it's not even because I don't like him anymore, cause I do, probably more than what's healthy for me, I guess it's just because it's easier to play around with someone else as it won't get me hurt or leave me confused. We're playing by my rules when I'm the one initiating things, and I like that because it's the total opposite to whatever it is I have with Kai. I don't know what being in love with Kai is going to bring me, and so it's easier to ignore it, though I really can't, or at least only react on it where there aren't great things at stake. Like for instance at the picnic, he was asleep, and at the party I was so drunk I didn't know what I was doing most of the time, meaning that even if something bad happened I most likely wouldn't have been able to remember it or I could've blamed it on the alcohol.

I'm always taking the easy way out, it seems. Maybe if I stopped doing that it would actually get me somewhere.

But that's me thinking now. Yesterday at the expo in the bathroom with some guy who'd approached me by saying, "Hey, you're Rei Kon, I'm a big fan!" And who had his hands under my shirt and moving south trying to keep me quiet as there were actually other people… You know, I wasn't thinking so much then. Not at all and not along those lines.

I suggested we took thing somewhere a little more private; I had this wonderful room with almost soundproof walls, and off we went.

What, you really think he would've turned down an offer like that? The guy screamed "Fan Boy" as much as Tyson screams "Hit Me" when he's all smug and told-you-so because he accomplished something we thought he never could. I had plans for a wonderful afternoon.

But unfortunately, or should I say luckily? The very same Tyson, who's rarely smug and hardly ever accomplishes _any_thing, showed up and got in my way. Unfortunately because I was just leaving with Fan Boy and what was the moron doing blocking my way? And luckily because he did accomplish to get rid of above mentioned Fan Boy by grabbing me and scaring Fan Boy away.

Luckily in retrospective, as he gave me the most abrupt awakening I've ever in my life been through. He was mad when he dragged me along, but he was completely serious and almost sad when he asked me quietly what the Hell I thought I was doing back then?

I wanted to yell at him, I had every intention of yelling at him and asking him what the Hell he thought he was doing by ruining my "action" like that. But before I could open my mouth and raise my voice it was like something clicked.

Something that told me to open my eyes and see if maybe Tyson wasn't right after all.

–

He was, of course, but I bet you could've told me that as well.

All the things I'd done and what I'd been very close to doing flashed before my eyes and I felt like the lowest of the low. How could I ever have lost touch with myself to such an enormous extent that I was ready to do what I almost did?

I have no idea.

–

I guess Tyson left me there when Kai came over.

I'm pretty sure I apologized to him. For what I don't really know and by the looks of it he didn't really get it either, but it didn't matter that much because he was there and so was I and I needed him to reassure me that he wasn't mad and that he'd still be able to feel me.

So I made the second biggest mistake of that day – the biggest was still by far Fan Boy – I kissed him.

There in the middle of a hallway for everybody to see and I couldn't have cared less.

He was clueless at first, which I don't blame him, not after my changing behavior, but eventually he kissed me back resulting in me growing a pair of wings and floating. Maybe he _could_ forgive me for all the mess I'd created and things would finally work out now. I need him, I've finally realized that, but I suppose I have a funny way of showing it.

I was demanding, I needed more, to be closer and if my memory serves me well I might have started clawing at his clothes while kissing him. He moved my hands and just held me, and while it was wonderful I still needed more. I needed his skin, his pulse, his heartbeat. I'm not sure if I told him, but at some point there were no more people, they'd gone away or Kai'd moved us, not that important, and he gave in.

Skin, erratic heartbeats, hands and overall this warmth, this body heat that was so unmistakably Kai. Everybody I'd ever been close to could just pack up and leave, I had everything I needed right there with me. Pure bliss.

But again there was the whole we're-in-public-we-gotta-be-careful aspect to think of and so he redressed me and sent me back into the crowds telling me we'd talk when we got back.

–

No matter where I went after that he always lingered a few steps behind me as if looking out for me and making sure I'd be okay. It was nice, I felt protected though I wasn't really in any kind of danger and I'm usually capable of looking after myself.

Kenny came up to me at some point, I think we were just about to leave, and he did the only thing he shouldn't have done. He started lecturing. About how he'd talked to Kai, and I _had_ noted that he'd been missing for a while, that I was approaching things the wrong way, that I was just setting us both up for heartbreak, didn't I know that Kai had feelings as well? And so on.

I blocked him out, skill born of necessity, and I felt betrayed. Kai had talked to Kenny about us? What on Earth was the thinking doing that? How dare he!

Actually it was probably more like Kenny bothered Kai until he told him something to shut him up, but apparently he'd said enough to make Kenny jump into defense mode and think Kai needed a lawyer to handle his problems.

Again, note the difference between what I'm thinking now and what I was thinking then.

I left Kenny and I don't even know if he was still talking, but it wasn't my main concern at that time. I had to find Kai and do some lecturing of my own!

–

I wasn't mad, I wasn't even angry, I was furious! Enraged! And Kai really had it coming! I was gonna teach him a lesson or two for sure.

And I guess I did.

I walked up to him and picked a fight. I hurled insults his way and it didn't take him long to respond to my advances resulting in a huge row once again in the middle of a very public hallway. Luckily for us there were hardly any people left and the press was gone as well. We wouldn't have lived it down if the substance of our fight got out and somehow ended up in a newspaper.

What we fought about, or what _I _fought about, Kai's not that verbal when it comes down to it, was of course us. I was in such an evil mood that I took everything that had happened that day and threw it back at him. I don't remember everything I said, but I do remember telling him that I was so sick of him following my every step just like a well-trained dog, and that he'd have to let me get some privacy as not everything I did had something to do with him.

He was shocked when I said that, it was very easy to see even though he is extremely good at hiding his emotions, but at that time it just encouraged me to continue and try to smash him down as far as I could.

I told him that he was acting like a lovesick schoolgirl, which he really wasn't, and also that if he so desperately wanted to be my bitch, he could, but he'd have to wear something of mine to show everybody that he belonged to me and me alone. That's when I took of my yin yang headband and threw it at him telling him that I thought it'd be very fitting for the purpose and that I was sure he'd enjoy being below me and take my orders or something like that.

That was probably the last straw as he suddenly exploded as well yelling something or other, squeezing my headband and leaving through the door faster than I have ever seen anybody move.

–

Obviously we didn't talk that night and we haven't really talked at all ever since. I think I would like to talk to him, apologize, explain, but there's no way I can get close enough to him to actually do so.

Now, I think it would be quite understandable if I was still mad and I was for a while, but then this morning when I arrived at breakfast and he was just leaving I'm so sure I saw my headband tied around his neck underneath his own white scarf…

So he's actually wearing it? And what? Being my bitch? It _is_ around his neck like a collar. But that's not really what I wanted, and certainly not in that way.

I still can't seem to get over the fact that he actually still has it. Much less that he seems to be wearing it.

I really don't know what to make of that, and I can't help feeling a little guilty for what I've done. If he'd just gotten mad as well and we'd both been in that fight maybe it would've evened things out a bit and we'd be able to talk this through as adults, but with the way everything's been I don't think that's very likely.

I hope we'll be able to work something out soon and I somehow also really, really hope that he is actually wearing my headband. It would be nice if he cared enough to do so even if we aren't exactly on speaking terms right now.

And God do I hope he cares!

I gotta go; training and even if he probably won't talk to me at least we'll both be there.

Yours truly

Rei Kon


	10. Doormat

A/N: I'd like to thank everybody for the nice reviews I've been getting! They really make me want to write more, so just keep them coming _{smiles}_ Hope you'll like this part as well!

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – Doormat**

–

Dear Diary,

You know things sometimes get out of hand, right? And you also know that sometimes you end up with something _in_ your hands that you don't really know what to make of? Moreover, sometimes, you know, you just might end up doing something really strange with that thing you've now got in your hands, and you don't really know why, you just can't help it?

Well, I can't say I thought you would. You are just a diary after all.

In my hands is Rei's red yin yang headband and I've been wearing it for the last two days around my neck hidden by my own white scarf. The very same red headband that the very same Rei threw in my direction at the end of a huge fight we had in the middle of a foyer at that BeyBlade expo we went to a couple of days ago.

I don't know what it is with him. One minute he's happy and loving and the next he's leaving with someone he met just minutes ago and not even noticing me. I can't believe how quickly he changes his mind and turns everything upside down so that all thought I knew for sure just spiral out of control and drag me along for the ride.

I wouldn't tolerate this behavior from anybody else, but it seems there's absolutely nothing to do when it comes to Rei, meaning all I _can_ do is follow his mood swings and hope for the best.

And that's amazingly pathetic. Whatever happened to me being independent and in control of my own life?

I can't explain it and frankly I don't know what to do about it, _if_ I even want to do anything. And that's just plain weird as I was the one deciding what to do back when this whole circus started, whereas I'm now reduced to the one who does all the nodding and simply follows a lead. I mean, I try, I think, but either I'm not trying hard enough or it's just in vain as there's no getting through Rei's head unless he wants it that way. If nothing else our trip to the expo proved that.

–

Rei disappeared as soon as we got there to I don't really know where, but I assume it might have something to do with striking up somebody and having a little fun somewhere. That bothered me a lot; I'd hoped we could check out some of the new equipment together like we would've done earlier. Making out with him is wonderful, but just hanging out with him was never bad either, and I'd thought we'd do that and maybe eventually get to talk about what's been going on lately. But no such luck. Rei was gone with no hope of finding him, and the rest of us decided to split up and take a look at things separately; that way we'd cover the whole expo in less time and we'd be able to focus on the things we found the most interesting. 

Of course I didn't exactly spend my time looking at attack rings and spin gear once everybody left. I know I would've been miserable if I'd found out he was with someone else, so I was trying my very hardest to find him before he got to that. Considering how fast he hooked up with people at that BBA party I knew I didn't have much time; I was in a terrible hurry!

Eventually I ended up near the rest rooms and just in time to see Tyson dragging a very angry-looking Rei with him while he ushered some other guy in the opposite direction. It didn't take me long to figure out what'd been going on. After all there are only so many probable solutions to the following problem: Angry Tyson pulling at just as angry Rei nervously looking random guy.

No, really, it's so obvious I won't even write it. Having to watch it happen was painful enough and it also gave me a feeling of really owing Tyson big time. Granted, I don't know how far Rei would've taken things if uninterrupted, but I'm still glad Tyson got in the way.

For a moment I debated on what to do, go to Rei or leave him alone, but in the end I threw caution to the winds and went in the same direction as Tyson and Rei had not too long before.

When I found them Tyson was just leaving, telling me to make things alright, but also not to overdo it, there were reporters and photographers everywhere, and Rei… Well, Rei looked like he'd seen a ghost. I wouldn't know what Tyson told him or how much he yelled, but it'd had quite an impact on him, that much was certain. He was almost shaking and when I walked over, he looked up at me and made this face as if he couldn't really believe I was actually there.

He started talking then, apologizing for something; I'm not exactly sure what because he was extremely incoherent, and he looked very sad and confused, a bit shocked as well, literally like he'd seen a ghost.

It scared me. What, did he think I'd be mad at him? Or that I wouldn't want to be around him all of a sudden? He couldn't possibly have been more wrong.

But apparently that was exactly his problem, because he came over and kissed me hard still whispering apologies and almost crawling under my skin. If he'd gotten any closer he would've _been_ me. Not that it'd be a problem or anything, mind you, but it's strange behavior even for Rei.

–

I'm not sure for how long we stayed like that, I was much too busy enjoying it and holding him while he slowly calmed down. At some point, though, I regained my brain and realized that he was slowly but surely undressing me, and while I would've loved that, it simply wasn't something I'd let photographers and whoever else was staring witness.

I gently removed him and redressed him. Maybe he hadn't been the only one wanting to get rid of offending clothing, what do I know… Anyway, I told him that we'd have to talk later when we got back and he nodded solemnly, once again apologizing only this time for attacking me in public and with a little gleam in his eyes.

How I was not supposed to have fallen for this beautiful boy? Head case or not.

He seemed pretty confused still and I couldn't have kept myself away even if someone had paid me to, so I followed him around while he walked from stand to stand to check out whatever they were showing. He knew I was there and he smiled back at me every now and then. I felt very special, like I was looking out for him because he wanted me to, because he knew he was gonna be mine, and only mine, that I couldn't let anyone touch him, that I wouldn't. Mine.

I realize I probably sound obsessed, but I want him to be mine alone and I don't want others touching him. We'd be so good together. He's the only one I can think of that'd be able to keep up with me, and for him I'd even give up my solitude. Gladly.

But, and I really should know this by now, things hardly ever work out the way I want them to.

Kenny showed up. Was I enjoying myself? What did I think of the expo? And so on and so forth. I don't know what I answered him. Quite honestly I don't really listen to him half the time he speaks, so why start making exceptions now? Besides, I had Rei to look at; I was busy. And maybe that showed in what I said, because suddenly Kenny's questions weren't the everyday BeyBlade and Dizzi blah blah blah, but he was instead asking about Rei and myself.

I realized that a little too late. As in after I'd answered his questions and he'd left. And yes, most likely I didn't only say positive things about Rei, it _has_ been challenging to keep up with him, but at that time it wasn't that important as things were finally looking up. However, knowing the way Kenny's overactive imagination works I should have been much more worried. I had every reason to be.

Just before we were about to leave the expo Kenny shows up out of nowhere and starts talking to Rei. And yes, I know I'm an idiot for not worrying any more about it than I did,  but, I mean what could Kenny possibly have to say that would make Rei turn one eighty again? I didn't think there'd be anything, and I still don't know what it was, but there must have been lots and lots of it as Rei had many things to say and said them very quickly and very loudly.

Oh yes, public fight, here we come.

–

I don't even know half the things he said except for at the end where he accused me of following him, which I technically actually had done, and told me that I acted just like a well-trained dog. He wondered who'd trained me.

That stung.

And then the inevitable, if I was really a dog, wasn't I then more like a bitch really? His bitch? Sure, of course that's what I was, I was acting it, no doubt, and if I was really so desperate for his attention then I could have it. That's when he took off his headband and threw it at me telling me that I'd have to wear it to prove that I really, truly was his bitch; he was sure I'd enjoy it.

That was when I'd had enough.

I grabbed the headband, told him he'd be _really_ sorry, there was no way he could hold me on a leash for long, and then I bolted out of the door and away. As far away from him as I could possibly come.

–

I'm the kind of person that keeps their promises, but talking to Rei that night as I'd promised him was totally out of the question! I'm not letting him walk all over me just to have him do it again when I try to talk to him about it. No thanks, really.

But maybe he was right in what he said. Maybe I do want to be his. Maybe that's why I kept his headband, it smells just like him, and maybe that's also why I put it around my neck the minute I came back, the reason why I slept with it on and the reason why I spent more than half an hour the last two mornings covering it up so that nobody would see that I was wearing something red underneath my scarf. It's not easy, let me tell you that, hiding red under white, but I think I managed alright; nobody's commented on anything at least and I'm sure they would have if they'd seen something.

And where does this leave us? Leave me? If I may ask?

I don't have the slightest clue.

It puzzles me why he gave me his headband. Not because I think he hates me, he's not that drastic, but because I thought he wanted me gone; why on Earth would he then give me a part of himself?

It puzzles me even more why I still have it.

And it's nothing short of a mystery to me why I wear it in the first place. Do I want something from him? Absolutely yes, but not just his headband. So I really am his bitch? I really hope not, but if it's all I'm gonna get then maybe I can settle for it. I'd be truly sad if I had to do that.

–

I have one last question now, the most important one I'd say. What can we conclude from what I've just written?

And the answer to that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is:

Kai is a doormat!

Yours sincerely

Kai Hiwatari


	11. Bittersweet Memories

A/N: A huge Thanks! to everybody who read and reviewed, I'm really honored that people take the time reading this and also that they seem to like it _{smiles}_ This is a very crucial part of the diaries, and while I haven't been really graphical or anything I just thought you should know. And there's another thing. In a couple of hours I'll be on an airplane to Argentina which is halfway around the world for me. There are four diary entries left. They are mostly written, but I don't know what kind of Internet or what kind of time for that matter I'll have once I get there, so please bear with me if I'm not able to update as often as I have. That was one long note _{smiles}_

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – Bittersweet Memories**

–

Dear Diary,

It feels like something inside of me has died. My self-esteem, my self-respect, and all those other feelings that make me who I am and make me capable of loving myself. Everything is just gone and I have this huge hole instead that I don't know how I'd ever fill up again. I'm hollow, just a shadow of myself; if I were to go out while the winds were blowing up a storm they'd take me with them; I'm that empty.

Yes, I know things weren't this bad with Kai, but a lot has changed and I don't know which would I'd prefer right now, which would be better; to throw myself off a cliff or to personally throw _him_ off a cliff.

Heartbroken? Partly.

Angry? Well, I guess.

Bittersweet? Absolutely!

It's a strange mix of emotions and I'm actually in very real physical pain as well, so life is just peachy.

I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be such a huge problem to revive all my dead emotions, but it would take superhuman effort on my behalf as I'd have to go see Kai about it. Superhuman because I've finally done it this time, I've driven him over the edge and I've acted like the biggest fool in the world. I don't think he'd even be interested in helping me out, as little as it would take, so I should probably get used to this strange feeling. The sooner the better.

–

I don't know if you remember, but last time I felt like this it also had to do with Kai and back then – I was really miserable – I told you that if he'd give me another offer I'd take it without second thoughts. Now, there have been plenty of offers since then, but they all came from me so it's not exactly the same. Back then I doubted if I'd really be stupid enough to let him use me again, but on the other hand I must have wanted it as I probably wouldn't have written it just for the sake of it. Still, I was pretty there wouldn't _be_ another offer or that I'd just, I don't know, be able to make him go away or something. It's happened before that people have just magically disappeared, hasn't it?

Or maybe not. Though convincing myself of it was fairly easy. He's really gifted when it comes to screwing with peoples' heads, let me just tell you that, though he'll probably say that I'm the one with the talent.

But to cut a long story short he _did_ give me an offer and I _did_ take it.

Before you start to judge me, however, you have to listen to what I have to say because it's not what it sounds like, and it's not like I haven't learned my lesson from this. Trust me!

I slept with him.

I am now one Rei Kon who's lost his virginity. To one Kai Hiwatari.

–

I'm pretty sure I told him that all I wanted was one single night, what a liar I am, and he was fine with that. It's pretty sad if that's all he's been after all along, but I'm not gonna get into that, it's too disturbing. Being with him like that, though, was this dream of mine that I've had ever since he first kissed me, and now that it's come true I can stop chasing it. It's a memory I'll carry with me for the rest of my life; no matter how or where I end up I'll always remember him and love him in my own special way.

And yes, that got way sappy, but I mean it! He was my first, he could've been my everything and I'd love to make him my last, but before I drown in Barry White songs I'll just say that it won't be that way because I already had my dream come true.

In my current state, morning/afternoon after and still sore as Hell, I can't remember a lot from last night apart from Kai. And before you ask why I'm not breaking down if it was so recent then let me just tell you that I already did. Before we left. It wasn't pretty and I don't wanna talk about it. Period.

–

Somebody threw us a party last night because things have gotten so much better between all of us. Kai and I aren't included in that, of course, but it goes for everybody else. It was this whole new beginning and everybody was there; everything was just _so_ great. Note the sarcasm. But hey, you can't have everything, right?

We all know how well it went the last time I was in touch with alcohol so I decided to let the others drink this time so that _I_ could laugh at _them_ when they couldn't find their way to the bathroom instead of the other way round.

And no, you won't like the answer, so please don't ask!

Anyway, the latest blow-up with Kai wasn't even a full week ago so instead of getting in his face immediately I started wandering the absolutely huge house they'd rented for the party. I know the Hiwatari mansion is gigantic, I've gotten lost there on several occasions, but this house, or should I say castle, was even bigger. Everything was king-size and Tyson was even ready to leave Hillary and marry the fridge instead, which didn't really surprise anybody.

I wonder how I got by without a map… But I guess that's not so important…

–

I ended up finding this really nice bedroom with this really abnormally huge bed. Call me a big girl, but it was like _designed_ for a perfectly romantic first time of lovemaking, and because Max had managed to make me drink just a little bit I was sentimental as Hell. Throwing myself onto the bed I was ready to slip off to dreamland where I wasn't currently fighting with Kai and everything was just pink candy floss…

–

Okay, seriously, no more Mariah!

–

Before I could fall asleep I noticed that there were balcony doors leading out, and outside the full moon, the ocean, apparently we were on the coastline, and the thin, white curtains just added to the atmosphere and created a perfect setting. Almost ironically so as I was there all by myself. Even the moon was reflected in the surface of the water, and there I was all alone.

I don't know for how long I was out there, but suddenly I heard the door to the room being opened, closed and locked. Then I heard a voice, Kai's, calling my name quietly as if he didn't know if he was interfering with something or disturbing me in some sort of way.

As if he could ever do that.

I was hoarse when I answered him that I was out on the balcony, and a little later he walked through the curtains and joined me outside.

My breath was taken away the very moment I saw him. He was that beautiful, what can I say?

The moonlight was reflected in his hair and in his eyes, and I would have died for him right there and then over and over, but instead I looked at him, wondering why he was there.

He looked back at me intensely and said my name again. Then I had his arms around me and his lips on mine.

–

I was shocked at first, but my body automatically pushed me back against him, carefully, scared he might pull away. He didn't. He just held me closer and parted my lips with his tongue. Then I let myself go.

I had this urge to touch him everywhere, as if he would disappear if I let him go for only a moment. And I also had to know if he was really still wearing my headband; he hasn't returned it yet.

We stumbled inside and fell onto the bed. We started tearing each other's clothes off, and yes, there it was around his neck hidden by his scarf; my happiest moment ever.

It was different than the other times and yet it was also very well-known. The need to get skin on skin as well as the fighting and the caressing. It wasn't sweet love or romance per se and it wasn't exactly desperate and needy either, but it was sort of like we knew that this was the only chance we'd get.

That was probably my cue to telling him that I only wanted the one night, but I'm not sure because when I think back now it was all a mess of arms and legs entangled in sheets and skin rubbing against skin. Maybe the sweet drops of sweat and the deep moans of pleasure have altered my memory, who knows?

But I do remember one thing clearly.

He was unbelievably gentle and caring when he entered me. It hurt, yes, I'm still sitting really uncomfortably, but it was all a part of the pleasure, a part of the price I had to pay to make him mine. And he did everything so right!

It happened almost violently when it came to a much too soon end. I had his name on my lips and I also told him that I love him. Spur of the moment, I guess, but maybe I really have gone from just being in love with him to actually loving him. I'm absolutely sure that I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it.

He said it back.

But I might have dreamed that up as I felt drained and exhausted, physically and mentally and therefore I was asleep shortly after it was all said and done.

–

I woke up hours later to the sound of Kai's even breathing and the sound of the ocean. I had his arms around me and our legs were a mess with the sheets. I wanted to stay there, I felt safe, but I knew that it had only been for the night, so waking up together would just make things more complicated, and I didn't want that. I know that we can never go back to normal, but I wanted to ruin as little as possible, so I slipped out of his embrace, into my clothes and out of the room.

I found Max lying on the floor downstairs in the den and I lay down on the couch as if I'd slept there all night.

–

By now I still haven't talked to Kai, obviously. I don't know how, not after I made such a fool of myself and I'm not even sure if we're actually back on speaking terms anyway. Not that it'd matter much. 

I'd really like to know why things can't work out for me just this once? What did I do that was so terrible? I'd smack myself upside the head if I thought I'd do me any good!

And I haven't even thought about what this is gonna do to our team. It can't work out like this. We were once told by Kai's grandfather that the only thing that could ruin us for sure was if we started falling for each other, or screwing around with each other, I think were his exact words, and now I can see how right he was. He was an asshole, yes, but at least he knew what he was doing, which is more than I can say for myself.

I'm not going mad, not yet, but this isn't exactly what I'd imagined Kai and I ending up with. Bittersweet is really the right word to describe my memories. It was wonderful and I'd do it all again, but I have this bitter taste in my mouth as well because I'd hoped for something more. I'd hoped to know all the little things about him, little things only I'd know because I was his lover and the one he turned to, but by the looks of it it's not gonna happen.

I might as well forget it. I told him one night only, I got it, and it's all I'll ever get.

Life is unfair.

Yours truly

Rei Kon

–

**crowkeeper990**

Thanks a lot for what you said in all your reviews, it really made me happy! I don't know if I deserve more review than I get. I can't judge my own work so I'd be hard for me to say, and on the other hand, while reviews do make me very happy – I still find it amazing that people actually bother to read much less review what I write – they're not the main reason why I write. I write because I like doing it, because I can't _not_ write, if that makes any sense. Reviews encourage me, but I'd most likely be writing even without them. Hereby of course not saying "Don't review!" but just that as much as I like them, I don't desperately need them to continue; I write because I can't stop _{smiles}_


	12. I'm Not Giving You Up

A/N: To everybody who reviewed: Thank you so much! And I'm really sorry this took me so long to get out. Buenos Aires and the Spanish language are kicking my ass to tell you the truth, and also editing this chapter was really impossible, it simply wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it. Hope it's okay though, tell me if I need to change anything!

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – I'm Not Giving You Up******

–

Dear Diary,

I think I may have made the mistake of my life. Overly dramatic or not.

They say there's only so much one can do and that there's a bottom line for how bad things can get, but I've realized that it's just not true. There's always something more one can do, always, just as well as things can always get worse. There _is_ no bottom line, no miraculous turning point after which everything just gets better.

Trust me; I'd know. I thought I'd reached it.

But I didn't do what I had to do and things are getting worse while I'm watching because of it. If I'd had any idea that it would've ended like this I don't think I would've done it. On the other hand I probably would, I just would've done it differently. I never wanted to hurt him, I just wanted him to be happy, be my Rei-Rei like he's always been, and instead I've turned him into a zombie with this strange, bittersweet smile that doesn't suit him at all.

I could've sworn he wanted it too. That he enjoyed it. That it made him happy. I guess I've gotten really bad at reading him. And to think he was once like an open book to me, his thoughts written out in letter ten feet high. It worries me a great deal that I managed to push him away to this extent. He's my friend, my – dare I say it? – lover and it shouldn't have to be like this.

Of course, I wouldn't know exactly how he feels about it, but the way I see it and the only way I can interpret his actions is that it wasn't just sex. Tyson was just sex, even though we didn't have actual sex, and Rei's various flings were also just sex, though there was no way he had real sex with any of them. But what we did was different. More, I like to tell myself, but as time goes by and he keeps looking right through me I'm not so sure. Or maybe his despondency is really a sign telling me that it did mean something, but that he just doesn't know what to make of it.

I think that's the explanation I'll stick with. It's the less painful one. I'd like to say that I understand what he's doing and why he's doing it, holing himself up in his room and out on our back porch, but it'd be lying because I have no idea what's going on with him.

–

Now, if he was just treating _me_ like this it'd be one thing, but as a matter of fact he's blocking out everybody else as well. Somebody who doesn't know him all that well probably wouldn't be able to tell, he's just distant after all, but there's also this almost harsh side to him now that I've never seen before. If I didn't know any better I'd say that he's turning into me, but that's just plain ridiculous.

Or maybe it isn't. We had an interview yesterday and he really excelled! It was such a disaster! He wasn't paying attention where he's usually very attentive and polite, and even the interviewer could tell that something was wrong. Max lied to cover him up and said that he was a little under the weather and then Tyson offered to take him to his room so we could get things over with, but no no. Mr. Rei Kon had other plans. Instead of just leaving he got up and hissed at Tyson that he should leave him the Hell alone and go back to fucking around with me if he was really so desperate to fuck around with somebody. He was sure I'd love to, it was after all what I did…

Shock!

Firstly, I have _never _heard Rei talk like that. Never! Secondly, I had no idea he even knew about me and Tyson. Maybe that's the reason why he's acting the way he is, he thinks he's just been used and now I'm gonna throw him away. I'd see why he concluded that. I'm not with Tyson anymore. And thirdly, did he absolutely have to say it in front of a reporter from the New York Times?

No, I shouldn't blame him, but for crying out loud, a _lot_ of my money will be spent on keeping that woman silent.

The things I do for him… Now, that's ridiculous!

–

I don't know. Maybe I should just write you the entire story and then come up with a solution.

As I said, we slept together, had sex, made love, I'm not so sure anymore which one it was though I'd greatly prefer the latter.

Because things have been working out so well lately Mr. Dickinson decided to have a party for us. And oh yes, my party experiences are so great, but what was I to do? Say no?

As if!

So, we had this huge rented house, more alcohol than anyone could ever hope to drink and more people than I could ever hope to count. Truth be told I wasn't exactly up for partying. After Rei blew up in my face and I started wearing that headband of his I haven't been the same person, but nobody was paying attention to that so I went and secretly hoped I could get Rei drunk enough to at least talk to me.

A noble motive? Absolutely not, but I was running out of ideas for things to do.

Unfortunately this idea didn't work out either as Rei disappeared as soon as we got there without really consuming any alcohol.

Too bad. I'd just have to find him and make him listen to me anyway. And take whatever he'd choose to throw at me this time. That was my intention, but yeah, you've guessed it, it's not what happened.

–

I already told you that the house was huge, and because of that I spent an eternity searching one room after another for Rei. On some of the stairs he had suddenly vanished and I had panicked totally thinking he had seen me and run away, because he didn't want to talk to me.

Let me put it like this, it's wasn't really the case, but I didn't know that then so when I entered the next bedroom I found I locked the door and headed for the bed. I could at least sleep I figured. I had given up on looking for him altogether, if he absolutely didn't want to be found then who was I to find him?

That's when I noticed the shadow outside the open balcony doors.

I knew it could only be Rei so I called out his name, my voice breaking for some stupid reason.

Seconds later he answered that he was out there as if he'd known I would come.

–

I was happy for the first time that night. I had finally found him and now we could sort the mess out and become friends, or whatever it is we're calling ourselves, again.

Honestly, that was what I wanted, but when I stepped out on that balcony it all just overwhelmed me; him, the moonlight, the ocean, the atmosphere, the moment, and mostly this feeling of finally being near him again. I didn't realize I'd missed him so much and there he was. Mine for the taking.

–

Had it not been such an extraordinary moment I might have been mocking my choice of words, I sound like something from a Barbra Cartland novel, sentimental enough to make even myself sick, but sometimes even reality calls for sentimentality.

–

He looked sort of lonely and sad, my Rei-Rei, but also stunningly beautiful.

Even if I can't read him anymore he sure can read me; look right through me into my very core. The little speech I'd been preparing was gone; my mind was empty so I just hugged him hoping that it would explain everything.

And in some way it did. He must have accepted the apology I wanted to give because suddenly I had his lips all over mine and his body pressed against me. In that second I found out that what I wanted from him wasn't his friendship, not anymore, but just him and nothing else.

–

Somehow we made it back inside, and somehow we got each other out of our clothes and into bed. He seemed pleasantly surprised when he had to untie his headband from around my neck and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy every second of it.

Just like I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy every second of everything else we did.

I don't know what I expected from him, but his strength surprised me. I actually think he's stronger than I am, but he was so soft and giving that it was hard not just to ravish him. I will never in my life forget the way his face looked when I moved down over him, tasting his skin for every inch or two I passed.

He clung to me like he was afraid of letting go, and everything else about him as well indicated that I should go slow as to avoid breaking him or scarring him. There was something he was almost franticly trying to say, but I didn't want to hear it in case he'd tell me to stop, so I kept kissing it from his lips and eventually it seems he forgot

Maybe I should have let him talk; if that's the reason why he's acting the way he is now.

–

I think I was able to keep my promise of being gentle and slow and not rape him or hurt him in any way. If he doesn't think well of me for anything else, please let him remember this as the one good thing I did.

And it was worth it all!

I think he has a natural talent for everything; he instinctively knew what to do and when to do it. I don't think I've ever had the pleasure of meeting anyone quite like him. I couldn't have made myself let go; I would've let him become my addiction easily. And to know that I was the one pleasing him, that I was the reason for his delight was simply mind-blowing.

But the reason why the world could've ended and I wouldn't have cared was that he told me he loved me.

I guess I always knew we had potential to end up like that, but that he believed we were already there was making me see stars and how could I not return the sentiment? I had to, and I did.

–

I'm sure our souls connected in that moment, and when I bent forward to kiss him he was already asleep. I soon followed him knowing that everything would be as it should in the morning.

–

When I woke up I was hugging his pillow.

He was gone and his bedside was cold; he'd been gone for quite some time.

I got up worried and went to search for him. It didn't take me long to find him. He was asleep in the den, on the couch next to Max who was on the floor. I wanted to wake him up, kiss him, and carry him back upstairs, but before I even got to touch him Max opened his eyes, the only time I've really seen them sad, and just shook his head before he went back to sleep.

I was confused, but before I could react Hillary came in to wake them up and Rei didn't even look at me.

That was destroying.

But I'm not done battling yet, that's one thing I know for sure. I'm not giving him up now that I finally know what having him is like!

Yours sincerely

Kai Hiwatari


	13. Light At The End Of The Tunnel

A/N: I don't really have much to say about this part except that I didn't like writing it as much as I liked some of the others. Though, this is the way it has to be and considering that I guess it's pretty decent _{smiles}_ Other than that thanks to all the incredible people who read and reviewed, you make me smile in the best of ways!

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – Light At The End Of The Tunnel**

–

Dear Diary,

I don't know where to start.

Every time I thought I finally had things figured out something unexpected happened and I turned out to be proved wrong. And my way of handling unexpected situations is to act even more irrationally than I did to begin with, I've discovered, and at some point I can't help thinking what's the use?

Even when I have the best intentions I'm misunderstood and I don't even know why I bother to keep trying. I've done all I can, there is no more.

It sounds suspiciously like giving up, I'm aware of that, but don't they say that a wise person picks his battles carefully and only takes on the ones he knows he can win? Or what about knowing when to deal and when to fight? It's not wrong of me to stop struggling if there's nothing more to fight for.

Right?

I just re-read some of my entry from last time. Bittersweet must have been a really nice emotion, but it's all gone now. Replaced by anger at first and now by disgust and to some extent shame as well.

The end of my bittersweet period, as I've started calling it, was an interview we did a couple of days ago with a reporter from a newspaper; I don't remember which. The questions she asked triggered something in me as they were all about how we were doing and how well we got along with each other.

The others told her that it'd been a rough ride for all of us, but that there was light at the end of the tunnel, things were looking up and it just struck me as being incredibly wrong. Of course they didn't lie; we do get along much better than earlier, but for me there was no grain of truth in stating that future prospect were brighter. Kai and I spent one night together and since then I haven't as much as existed in his world. In my book that's not something that indicates anything good, if you know what I mean.

The thing is, though, I can't explain why it made me so furious. It should've made me sad, it would've been understandable even from my point of view, but when Tyson wanted to take me back to my room I exploded and told him to fuck with someone else, Kai maybe, they made such a great couple and he'd probably be willing too, because I really wasn't in the mood for it.

Then I stomped off.

I am _so_ one for making the right and rational decisions…

–

I was mad for I don't know how long. The anger stole my sense of time.

I took off with Driger and eventually he calmed me down. That brought on dread and worry when I realized what I'd said and how I may have hurt the team beyond repair.

And that in front of a reporter.

I guess that's as good as it gets.

–

Now I'm just disgusted by myself for being so demanding and childish. I had no right to do what I did, just like I have no right to expect that Kai would care or even forgive me for it. Not after what I did and especially not after he was the one yelling at me yesterday and for once not the other way round.

And yes, you heard that right. Mr. Iceman went out of his way just to yell at me. He must really dislike me if he's ready to break his usual habit of ignoring everything around him that he doesn't like just to insult me. But I guess even he has a breaking point and considering my ability to bring out the very best in people _and_ the fact that yesterday was another day straight from Hell for all of us it's probably even understandable that he started shouting.

I walked into our living room and the atmosphere was tense enough to cut with a knife. I don't know what they'd been discussing as I walked in, but there was something very unpleasant in the air and I had a feeling that it had something to do with me as all conversation died when I entered.

They were all there and Max looked up as soon as he noticed me as if he expected me to be able to fix their problem.

Immediately I felt like leaving. I don't like group discussions and Kai was there as well looking deadly and ready to hurt somebody. Honestly, I'd rather not it be me as I'm in enough pain caused by him as it is. My reasoning was that if he wasn't gonna disappear, which he obviously wasn't, I thought I'd save him the trouble and just get lost myself. But before I could turn around and leave Max started talking and thereby revealing what the whole fuss had been about. The one thing I surely didn't want to talk about, think about, or discuss with anybody; not even them and especially not Kai.

Yes, that dreadful morning after where I'd walked downstairs and fallen asleep in the den next to Max. I didn't think he'd been awake to notice me, and apparently I really don't give him enough credit as I never expected him to actually be able to figure out what had been going on and why I was sneaking around early in the morning.

But yet he _had_ figured it out, and probably shared his info with Tyson, Hillary, and Kenny so that they'd been able to piece it all together and figure out what'd been going on with Kai and me the past weeks.

I'd usually name them my friends, but I was ready to kill them all right there and then.

They were in no place to interfere with something as personal as what I'd done and not done with Kai, and I was going to tell them for sure!

Which I did.

And then Kai suddenly had a lot to say as well and we ended up fighting right there in front of everybody else.

I called him all sorts of evil things and he shot right back, calling me mentally unstable and extremely easy because of the way I'd been around all those other guys before. I returned the favor with the usual icicle remark and that I at least had feelings I didn't have to hide because of some screwed up code of morality, to which he replied that I wouldn't know morality and the difference between right and wrong even if it came and hit me right in the face.

And so on and so forth. It was extremely exhausting because I really didn't want to be fighting with him, but on the other hand it was more satisfying than I'd expected and hoped for. To finally clear the air between us and tell him that even if I hadn't done everything perfectly right I wasn't the only one who'd made mistakes either. Just let it all out and let it settle so we could figure something out afterwards.

Have _you_ figured out by now what always happens when I hope or think that things will be able to work themselves out?

No? Cause I really sense a pattern here.

It always gets worse! Much worse!

And this time he just left. Told me I'd been a waste of his time and sanity. Wished me a nice life. He'd make sure not to get in my way anymore.

–

I left as well. I couldn't stand them pitying me for having lost him like that and I felt so ashamed that I'd said all those things to him. That he doesn't have any feelings. And I'm the one who knows how untrue that is. I'm the one who knows that his emotions are that much stronger and more meaningful because he carefully tries to keep them to himself and those who matter to him.

I don't know what might have possessed me to say what I did, but I guess I just wanted to hurt him. To actually hear him say that he thought I was easy was like being shot full of arrows; hurtful and perforating, because hadn't I just given him the essence of my very being in one single night? Did he not know that I never would've done that with anybody else?

He must really be the idiot I kept accusing him of being, if that's the case.

And I know he's not. He can't be. For all I know he still has my headband, and yes it would be overanalyzing, but I'd like to think that it actually means something to him; that it matters in some way. Reminds him of me.

I'd also really wish I had something from him. Something to prove that I belong to him just as he belongs to me. But it be a far shot to hope for anything like that as we haven't even been in the same room since our fight. It's not because I don't want to be near him or talk to him, it's because I can't stand looking at him and knowing he's right there outside of my reach. I can't stand having him not care, having him think of other things than me, of other things that he finds more important when really I should be the one he devoted himself to.

I sound like a jealous and rejected lover.

For the first time in my life that's actually what I am. I can't pull out optimism now and say that everything will be alright, because if it hasn't changed till now then what are the odds that it's going to anytime soon?

They're minimal. It won't happen.

–

Oh, hold on, somebody's knocking on my door. I better go open up, I need to make some excuses to everybody that isn't Kai, and honestly, how likely would it be that he's the one knocking? The guy does not know the meaning of the word, I swear! I can't even count the number of times he's just barged in and seen something he wasn't supposed to see.

And that's sort of sweet, I'm actually smiling now.

I'll be right back.

–

Three hours have passed now since I wrote that I would be right back.

It's also started raining.

The little shed we have in the garden makes it look like it's raining blood because it's all red.

I don't think I'd like it very much if it started raining blood.

But I wouldn't mind letting God use my blood for it.

It's not like I have any use of it myself anymore.

It's just something my heart, this empty muscle that I also have in the left side of my chest, pumps around and around.

Not a very valuable or glorious purpose.

–

Kai brought my headband back.

–

It's red too.

–

And there's blood too when people die.

When people kill themselves.

In the rain.

Of blood.

–

I've often wondered if everything wouldn't be much easier and much better for everybody else if I wasn't around.

Till now I haven't dared finish that thought.

Yet, I just did.

Is that a bad sign?

–

Do you think God would like my heart better than Kai did?

I'd even let him use my blood as rain if he wanted to. I don't need it anymore. After all there is no heart to pump it around and keep me alive.

–

My heart.

It's not worth anything. It's been shattered into a million pieces.

Used and broken.

And returned to me, red as blood, just like my headband, which I'm sure has been drenched in it.

If it wasn't so disgusting I'd take it back.

But it's all filthy and I can't make myself touch it.

I don't know what to do.

–

There is only one thing to do.

Find the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's been a pleasure, Diary, but this is where it ends.

–

Here I come.

Yours truly

Rei Kon

--

**Angelgirl10**

I should have thanked you in my last post, but because getting on-line is quite a task when I don't have internet at home I hope it's okay that I write you a reply now. You're most likely right when you say there there are some things that don't make complete sense or that I've left something out, but right now my goal for this ficcie is to just get it finished, and then when I get back home and get a little more time on my hands I'm gonna go through it all once again and see what I can make better. You've in no way hurt my feelings or made me feel bad, on the contrary, I'm glad you're honest enough to tell me the truth so that I can improve my writing! Thank you ver much! Both for your kind words and for you advise!


	14. The Time Is Running Out

A/N: I am extremely sorry for taking this long updating! I was ready to do it two days ago, but I couldn't log in, so nothing happened... I know we've reached a critical point in the story and a lot of people have told me they're waiting to see what'll happen, will Rei actually hurt himself and what'll Kai do about it, but life so got in my way and I haven't had time to do anything. I'm very sorry. But here it is, and since I'm already talking I might as well tell you that there is only one chapter left after this one. So, whatever happens, it'll be revealed in hopefully not too long. The ending will be… Different _{smiles}_

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – The Time Is Running Out**

–

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I can't help wondering if things happen for a reason. If maybe some of the things every person has to go through in their life happen because the person deserves a reward or a punishment of some sort. And that will then be the reason why life seems incredibly unfair to some while others are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.

I can't help thinking that there has to be something more than just more or less lucky coincidences and more or less lucky people. Life would be much too random if that's the way the world works, and I definitely wouldn't like that. There has to be something or someone in control of what's going on; someone who has a good grasp of how things are and someone who can change the current bad things into future good ones.

Because maybe I could actually accept my situation if I knew for sure that all this was happening because I did some terrible things in a past life and now I have to take my punishment in this one. My horrible deeds, whatever they were, have simply caught up with me.

Farfetched, you say?

You couldn't be more right, I say.

But at least it'd be something I couldn't go up against; cosmic order, karma or something equally powerful. I'd have to let it rest. On the other hand if this mess with Rei, and as of lately everybody else as well, is just something caused by the general unfairness of the world and a few unfortunate happenings I'll rip out my hair and go kill someone.

It's not like I'll have to pay for it later anyway.

And I'm worried. Very worried!

My entire situation has gone from bad to worse within maybe a week, and even before that it was nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster ride that I simply haven't been able to stomach. I've always managed by taking things as they come and not worry too much ahead. I've only ever gotten stress and migraine from thinking about the future, so I've never favored it. Besides, if there's one thing I've learned by being part of the Blade Breakers and knowing people like Tyson and Max, it's that working ahead pays off later, but procrastination pays off now. And as cheesy as it is it's not all that wrong. You can plan and worry yourself halfway to death, and it won't bring you a single thing if certain circumstances change even slightly.

But this time I don't know if my choices might turn out to be so limited that I should have planned ahead and intervened back when I could, instead of letting the general disorder take over and multiply. But, before this gets out of hand, there still is a chance that I've read the events of the last few days all wrong and there'll be no need to do any emergency rescues.

Though I highly doubt it. I read events and situations the wrong way once every millennium and I already made my mistake of these 1000 years by sleeping with Rei so it's not very likely that I'm wrong again; not this soon.

And how could you possibly guess that Rei's also the main character of this little problem of mine?

–

I need to go out more, get a life, I've been all about Rei, Rei and Rei again lately, and even if I can't help it I don't have to like it! He just breezed in and took over, after which he left me with nothing but all these thought and vague assumptions that are useless, yes, but still worry me to the point where I can't sleep thinking he'll choke himself with his pillow when the lights are out.

And right there is my problem.

I think Rei's been toying with the idea of taking his own life.

That's what I was talking about earlier. I'd be able to handle it if he was meant to do it. I'd do whatever I could to prevent it, but I'd accept it. I think. Now, if there's _no_ reason why he should do it, I'd do everything within my power to stop him, but I don't really know exactly how I'd do it.

I don't want him to die, though. I love him. And if that's the whole problem, Hell, I'll stop, I'll try, as long as he'd still be around and I'd still get to see him. I'd bend over backwards if he'd just smile for once. Or say something. I don't even know if the guy can speak anymore.

I wish somebody would do me a favor and wake me up from this nightmare.

–

The problem with Rei, and the reason why I fear for his safety, is that he's the kind of person who's perfectly happy and content when there aren't any problems, but the minute something's wrong he goes crazy. Considering how long our back-and-forth has been going on it's actually a new record for him to have lasted this long. However, it does also mean that the break-down that will inevitably follow will be much worse than if this had happened right after he found out about Tyson and me. Which I still have no idea of when was, but you get the gist of it.

Not a lot of people know that he's like this, but he is and he needs somebody to look out for him when problems arise. Till now it's always been me. Somehow I've always known what to do to keep him from acting on these strange impulses he gets, that could be potentially dangerous to him, but this time I think I've managed the exact opposite. I've driven him into the arms of insanity and not just once, but twice!

And I'm the one who wants him to love me back.

It's so ironic it's almost funny, but at least I must mean something to him if I'm able to hurt him this way. I know he's the only one who can tear me apart with just a look, and that's simply because he is who he is. My… "Lover"

–

The first thing I did to mess with his head was yesterday when we fought. And yes. Again, you may say. I hadn't known that the rest of the team had figured out pretty much everything Rei and I have been through, so when they cornered me in the living room demanding answers it can't be any surprise that I got mad. Max said he'd seen Rei early _that_ morning a couple of hours before I'd gone downstairs to look for him, and he wanted to know if I'd hurt Rei or treated him badly, as they'd all expected that we would've stayed together after _that_ night.

I didn't want to answer their questions, and I especially didn't want to hear about their expectations to our failed relationship, so I refused to say anything and that's when Rei walked in. He was also questioned.

How it went from that to both Rei and I yelling our heads of I honestly don't know, but that's where we ended. I do know that I called him really, really unstable, a nutcase or something, and I also know that I called him easy and said he was too stupid to figure out the difference between what's alright to do and what isn't.

In one line I managed to insult him in three very different ways that all somehow mean a lot to him.

He knows he tends to go insane when things are falling apart; we've talked about it earlier when there were problems, and it was the lowest thing to say because I'm the only one he trusted with that secret; the only one he didn't think would use it against him. But I did.

Then about being easy. That was even lower, if possible. He gave me his virginity and told me he loved me and I threw it back at him telling him he was a whore. Not smart.

And finally it's very important to him to do the right thing whenever he has to make a decision, and I, the one he trusts and comes to with these matters, told him he couldn't even do that right.

I went as far as to walk out on him to end our fight, which is probably the most insulting thing anyone could ever do in the middle of such a heated argument, but I simply couldn't take anymore. My head was about to explode and I just needed to get away from him to somewhere where I could heal my wounds as he got in quite some good shots himself.

Apparently he thinks that I don't have any feelings.

If _this_ isn't feelings then I don't know what is. But hopefully he was just talking trash. I know I was, I didn't mean a single one of those things, I swear!

–

But messing him up yesterday isn't all I've done. I told you I did it twice, and what I did today was probably even worse than what I did yesterday.

Doesn't that just speak volumes?

–

I've spent all day trying to figure out how I can help him without unintentionally destroying him further. I have thought about many different ways of approaching him, and I've rejected just as many if not more ideas about what to do.

Then I finally came up with something at least semi-useful.

Rei likes to think of himself as a whole person. Rei _is_ in fact a whole person, and for him to actually be this whole person he needs all of himself. 

It probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but think about it. I still had his headband, and it's such an essential part of him that I thought maybe it'd help him get his mind together and under control so that we could talk it out. After all it's about the one thing we haven't tried yet, I mean talking, and since we're running out of options I thought it might actually work this time.

So a couple of hours before I started writing I went over and knocked on his door. He was actually smiling when he opened it and that simple action made my heart flutter, despite the fact that I felt like I was little kid all over again waiting for my grandfather to come and punish me.

I made sure not to touch him when I handed over the headband; I didn't want to cause him more frustration, and returning it was painful enough in itself, so I just gave it to him and said I was sure he'd need it to heal.

Then he slammed the door right in my face, and I somehow started thinking that maybe I hadn't done the right thing after all.

–

All that leads to me sitting here now carefully listening for sounds from his room to make sure that he's alright.

It's probably needless to say that I can't hear a thing, it's like he's not even there. But if he's not in his room where else would he be?

Okay, maybe I've gotten a little paranoid from what I've just written, but I have a terrible feeling about this. I should go check if he's okay, talk to him or whatever; I've messed up enough, I need to make this okay again, clear lines and all that.

Give me a second.

–

Would you believe me when I say he's not there? Everything's neat and tidy, and Rei's room is _never_ neat and tidy. Like he left and didn't plan on ever coming back.

Shit, I knew I should've done something sooner. If he's dead now I don't know what I'll do; probably kill myself too.

This. Is. Not. Fair!

I have to go, I have to find him. I have to stop time and start running, make sure he doesn't do something we'll both regret and be sorry for because of misunderstandings and nothing else.

Damn, Rei, what the Hell were you thinking running off like that?

If I love him, which I do, more than anything else, then he's gotta love me too and then we'll be alright; eternity, beautiful, red sunsets and starry nights, all that.

I just gotta get to him first.

I can't let him do this! I can't let our time run out!

I have to go. Right away.

Yours sincerely

Kai Hiwatari


	15. The End

A/N: I know this has taken me way too long to finish, so I'll let you all get the last chapter without further excuses and then write another note at the end of it all. I hope you enjoyed reading this far just as I hope you'll enjoy reading the last part.

I do not own BeyBlade!

Please do read and review!

–

**Dear Diary – The End**

–

Hey Diary,

I feel _so_ weird doing this!

But I guess it's only fitting that I'm the one doing it.

Honestly, I never meant to read their diaries and, like, mess with their personal lives or anything; I just happened to stumble upon them and, yeah. So, after having read everything – and there was _a lot_! And yes I did read it, I _can_ actually read – I thought there had to be some kind of conclusion; an end and some closure, because even though I was there all the time it was pretty touching to read their thoughts and all, and I just couldn't let it end with Rei killing himself over Kai and Kai killing himself because Rei was dead.

That's just wouldn't've been right, you know?

So here I am trying to write something at least halfway good, because the end's gotta be good, right?

_I_ thought so!

–

But yeah, by the looks of it somebody's been going through these diaries before me and has written lame-ass comments everywhere and drawn really pretty drawings of something that looks like chibi-Kai and chibi-Rei kissing.

Don't ask; I don't even wanna know! And no, I had no desperate need to actually see all that stuff either…

I guess it's Rei and Kai themselves who've done it; like had some fun over old memories or something, and then because some of it is pretty disturbing they drew hearts and stars and flowers and whatnot as well as small notes like "I wuw you soooo much" and "Bad Rei, shame on you kitty-cat" and, I really think this one's the best, "Kai sucks!" It's their handwriting for sure; Kai's unreadable and sort of pointy one and Rei's neat and flowing one. You never would've thought. And I guess the fact that they've been doodling in their old diaries full of misery and sorrow – uh oh I've been reading Hillary's books again – just shows that all the bad stuff is over with for good, and that it's already been almost two months since then. They are so lovey-dovey now that it's not even funny…

Okay, they really aren't, but I thought I'd be a funny thing to write. Kai's mostly his usual self and so is Rei; they're just happier I guess. Though, and I _must_ add this, Kai's been going out of his way to maintain their relationship. He even went as far as drawing Rei this caricature of the two of them in a white castle moving towards each other, Kai saying "My Hero" with his arms wide open and stars in his eyes…

It's a sweet gesture, but it's very un-Kai, and man! I'd be so dead if he ever found out I knew about that.

And speaking of dead, you've probably figured out all by yourself that the great suicide tragedy didn't take place after all. And on a side note, that Rei and Kai apparently have turned into eight-year-old girls; that was news even to me too. Wonders never cease, I guess. There is a line, though, the minute they start painting their bedroom pink or any other girly color I'm officially kicking them out. Enough's gotta be enough!

–

Well then, you're probably thinking – And don't ask why I keep referring to you as a person, it's not that important – what happened then if we didn't have to break up the team because of the sudden deaths of half of it?

I don't really know.

And I bet that wasn't the answer you expected, but I really don't know. It's probably pretty disappointing to you – and if you're not the diary, but simply the next person that falls over this I hope and pray you're not Kai – since you have everything else first hand, but I'll tell you what I know, and maybe we can figure out something more together.

The hard facts, you see – I gotta stop doing this – are that Rei ran off and that Kai did as well, just a little while later. The next thing we heard from them was the next afternoon where they came down and bam, things were back to normal. Rei was smiling, Kai was scowling, and somewhere along the line they were all cuddled up on the couch in front of the TV watching something about preserving tigers in wildlife parks.

Now, if I may resort to a very well-used cliché I'd say they both looked exactly like tiger cubs sitting there like that.

–

We never really talked about what happened that day, so I didn't know anything for sure until I found these two notebooks. I never knew Rei was so torn up and I didn't know Kai was so worried either. Honestly, I don't think it was really that bad; they both tend to exaggerate when they're under pressure, and from what I've heard from Hillary, who's been picking up bits and pieces from Rei whenever he lets them fall, as soon as he left the house he knew he wasn't really gonna hurt himself. He just needed a reality-check.

I didn't understand what he meant by that for a long time, but then the other day when we were driving home after training in the other end of town, he asked our driver to stop and got off the bus. Kai followed him, he seemed to know where we were, and then the rest of us just went after them to see what was going on.

We ended up by this really fragile looking suspension bridge. It crossed this very deep and narrow ravine and when I looked down I suddenly understood what reality-check meant. It would've been so easy to jump and nobody could've survived a fall like that, I couldn't even see the bottom of it and the sides were very uneven. It screamed "Danger" and it seemed like the right place to make important decisions. I sort of see why he would've gone there.

So from what I gather Rei went out on the bridge after he got his headband back and stood staring into nothingness until Kai found him.

After that I assume they _finally_ talked everything through and figured out what they were gonna do with themselves. Then there is this funny, little remark added later on in one of their diaries about making love under the stars, but I really don't know. I may be under the influence of Titanic, which Hillary very mercilessly forced me to watch with her last night.

I didn't cry. Of course I didn't! I don't cry to movies! Seriously, I don't. Whatever she's told you, it's not true, you hear?

–

Other than that – and I really didn't cry! – I don't think there's a lot more to add.

The fighting has stopped altogether between everybody and we can now go out as a team without fearing a decency scandal because of public sex from Rei and violent behavior towards random, pretty boys from Kai. Oh the joys of triviality. But seriously, the tension is completely gone and since Rei and Kai are now back to acting all grown-up and mature the rest of us can happily go back to acting like prepubescent kids. I like it much better that way, acting all adult towards Rei and Kai was just too strange! Like messing around with the order of the Universe or something. It's just plain wrong.

–

Hmm, now that I think about it, forget what I said earlier. Decency scandals because of public sex are still something to worry about. I'm not sure if I should be telling you this. I know you've witnessed everything so far; the being easy, the strangers, the sex and the almost-suicide, but even I don't know what I'd do if somebody came up and told me this. It's just so… Well, imagine an old, fat man in a leopard thong and then we're getting there.

Or okay, maybe Rei and Kai aren't the only ones who exaggerate. It's not all that bad. I just wanted to feel your facial expression change as soon as the image entered you head…

And yes, you have now been struck with my infamously bad sense of humor. If you do not pass this email on to everybody on your address list and another 100 people you don't know you'll be cursed for the rest of you life and you'll have the same bad humor as I have!

I realize I'm probably the only one laughing. But don't you just hate those emails? I know I do!

No, what I wanted to say before I got caught up in my own lousy sense of what's funny and what isn't, is that we've discovered yet another secret about Rei and Kai. And if you think back to the old, fat man in his fancy thong you'll have a pretty clear idea of what Kenny felt like when he happened to stumble upon something very, very compromising in one of the back rooms in the house.

I'm being unfair, sorry; I'm only playing for time. I should just come out and say it.

So I will.

He found.

Yes, I'm laughing.

A police officer outfit and a French maid gown.

–

I don't think I even want to know who's been wearing what; and after all it can only be the two as Hillary and I aren't particularly into that kind of thing and both Max and Kenny turn beet red at the mere mention of anything even vaguely sex related.

So yes, it seems we have not only a maid, who's very bad at keeping the place clean, but also a police officer who, presumable, is there just to keep said maid in check.

No, I really don't want to think about it!

Actually it just got better from there as Rei and Kai sort of fell through the door to the kitchen, where we were when Kenny told us about his discovery, and not only fell through the door, but sort of also almost fell to the floor and didn't notice because they were very caught up in kissing.

It took Kenny days to recover. And it didn't help matters any that Rei promptly apologized, picked Kai up from the floor and said that they'd take things upstairs, we could just talk on without them, they had other, more important things to tend to. 

I was almost expecting him to come down and ask for the clothes, but for Kenny's sake and partly Max' as well I'm glad he didn't. It wouldn't have been a pretty sight!

–

And here I was saying that there wasn't really a lot more to say about Rei and Kai and the way they now live their lives happily with each other.

Apparently there was a little something after all, definitely adding to the "happily" if the time they spend away from the rest of us and off on their own is _any_ indication…

But it's good. I'm glad they're happy. And I've just come to think of something else as well. During their whole diary adventure I've been a prominent feature almost no matter what they did.

I matter!

I'm so proud of myself

I am important! And as a matter of fact it is all my doing that they're even together now. How? – you may ask – and I'll tell you. It was _my_ suggestion that Kai should try and see if he could, like, seduce Rei!

There you have it. Right in your face! None of this would even have happened had it not been for me and my ingenious and brilliant idea. And yeah, you might say that we wouldn't have been forced to go to Hell and back if not for my idea, but come on people, lighten up, think positive. I've done Rei and Kai such a favor.

Wow. _I'm_ the hero.

And wow, this is getting to my head.

Hillary's words, not mine. She just got here and now she's reading my epilogue to the saga… And now I'm exaggerating again. Ouch, my head!

But okay, okay, I think I basically got it all covered and the diaries can now rest in peace. As for you, Hillary, I know where you keep your whip and I discovered the handcuffs in your drawer with underwear. Don't think I won't use it against you, and LET GO OF MY HAIR!

–

And so without further ado; or whatever it is those freaks say… HILLARY!

The End!

Yours faithfully

Tyson Granger

–

A/N continued: And that's officially the end; I hope you liked it _{smiles}_ I would like to thank everybody who reviewed this at some point. Lord knows I wouldn't ever have finished it if it hadn't been for certain people who kept reviewing and bothering me about more chapters; I think you know who you are, but also those who just left a few encouraging words made me happy and made me want to write more. I can't thank you all enough. When I started writing this I wasn't sure where I was going to end, and I must admit that I surprised myself by actually managing to finish it as this is the longest piece I have ever written.

I have an idea for another chapter story, but knowing how much work it actually takes I won't be starting it anytime soon, as I still need to work out a lot of things for my plot and setting and all that. I have a few one-shots coming up, but I think I need to go back home before I start posting them as I'm insanely busy right now and need to think a little and get new ideas before I hole myself up with my laptop and start something fresh and new.

Once again thanks to everybody who read this, and I really hope I didn't disappoint anybody too badly with the ending; I simply couldn't kill them, I'm very, very sorry, and it just made sense this way _{smiles} _

Take care! I hope you're all doing well!

All my love

Alexzandra


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